Then Where?

A torturous presence.
Within my own walls.
Extracting the life out of me.
Slowly.
I am torn.
It doesn't feel right, talking of this  - here
in my own private space.
Where it's sacred to me.
Defiling that which is precious
Perhaps it should be left alone -
this sickening feeling,
                                   Deep within my bones.
Unbalanced & surreal, with the sensation of a nightmare -
one that I know I will not awaken from. 
And in this new reality, this here and now -
I know I am lost.
Surrounded by the deepest darkest Jungle,
and I fear, there is no way out.
But if I do not open my heart, allow myself to breathe, allow myself to speak...
If not here...
                    then where?                                            

UNinspired/Incomplete

I felt as though days were missing.
I slept, woke up and there was a gap.
In recalling you.
But days are not missing, I did not sleep and wake up
- yet there is still space.
At that particular time, I was never satisfied.
At that particular time - I was incomplete, one way or another.
My self worth lay in something lost.
My self worth was held in something that did not/does not exist in my life.
In my world.
That was incorrect of me to even consider trusting. Not that I did.
Friendships are what's wanted - demanded - insisted upon. The norm.
But at the same time MORE is also wanted - demanded & insisted upon.
The subtext, and layers below words. REAL meanings.
Satisfaction in what we have is never a given.
Certain things feel wrong now - unbalanced.
Incomplete.
Moving forward in a vacuum - trying to, is pointless.
Examining & experiencing something that doesn't really exist: WHY?
Don't know you.
Thought I did.
Thought I might.
Pretentious and fake.
Could not know you.
NOT in this lifetime.
Maybe, not in any.
Surprising to me? Shouldn't be. I should know better. I do.
And so I shall heed the warning.
No matter.
Regardless,
I will now RELINQUISH (to give up), uninspired.
Because it's
                   EASY
                           to NOW DO SO.

Coiled Spring - WOUND TIGHT

Coiled Spring,
                       Wound Tight. 
Internal Pressure - about to burst. 
Heart Beating 1000 Miles an hour
Uncontainable.
Extreme Emotion
Fire Roaring
Tearing Through ME
Ripping Me apart
Every Fiber, Every Molecule. 
I see you in my minds eye. 
I see a Vision of you and I. 
How do I put into words the sight that I see? 
How do I put into Words what I FEEL in my SOUL?
Deeply. 
Entwined.
As you look into my eyes.
LOCKED together - absorbed by one another,
We take of each other - time and time again.
Over and Over.
A delicious, sliding, wetness.
Coiled Spring - WOUND TIGHT,
Coming unraveled, internal pressure, 
Reaching it's peak. 
Uncontained,
Unbound, 
An Immense Explosion.

Cannot Erase...

Feel. With every fiber, with every breath.
Deeply.
Know. Without a doubt, the pain you feel is real.
A loss again. Come undone.
And you should never have been permitted this allowance.
You should have restrained yourself.
Lay it down.
                   Let it go.
Your life has complete meaning
                                                   Even without...
I know the pain you feel is immense.
I know it leaves you weakened. Broken. Torn.
And it will pass. But RIGHT NOW - I'm not so sure.
Those hidden tears -
                                  that MASQUERADE, and your BRAVE face.

I know those tears eat away deep into your soul, like acid -
leaving an emptiness, so incredibly vast & profound.
And these words, are insufficient as a comfort.
I can only try. But I have failed,
                                                    for I cannot erase...



                                                

Answers to THESE QUESTIONS.

Quiet.
Alone.
Away.
Space.
Time.
For
You
To think.
Become rational.
In a
Decision.
Make certain.
Of
Your Choice.
Ignorance
the same
as ignore.
After
Each
break
of 2
days, I become doubtful. Of me. Of the silence. And uncertainty seems to have been forever there, deep in my bones. I was sure that it wasn't that way, that just on Friday I flew high, and knew something elusive that today I DO NOT.
Just beyond my grip. With smooth silky substance felt on my fingertips, and then with casualness just slipped away... Monday - it is gone. Again. And again. And Tuesday, will it return? The answers that I seek? Eventually:
yes.
It
Will.
But
Perhaps Answers - NO.
Because maybe, just maybe, there
are
NO ANSWERS TO 
                              THESE QUESTIONS.

To NOT GIVE UP. (UN relinquished)

And so a soul said to me:
Continue with whatever you may feel. Stuck. Frustrated.
And I have no words, am confused beyond the boundaries of who I should be.
Contemplate all that is, and more. Much more.
And now I find: My mind is clear. Albeit I am in two.
A live wire, a raw nerve. These images.
You. Us. ALL.
Unknowing.
Uncontrollable.
Worn down & smiling.
Thrilling to wonder what tomorrow will bring.
What words, what feelings, what emotions.
What thoughts.
And so the bar is raised yet again, what a spin on reality.
Looking down this tunnel. What is this based on?
Really, what are the grounds on which this foundation is built?
And is it strong?
How can we be certain?
What if changes were made, however subtle to all those surrounding,
and the incorrect path were taken. Or perhaps the correct one.
Would the difference be immense?
And yearning for a dangerous truth.
One forever currently present.
And at the time uncalled for,
                                       and currently UN relinquished!

Underneath.

Layered, At times Frayed.
No Struggle to go within - to see who you really are.
To view your many elements.
Hot to the touch - Blistering.
Languid
A form
In the door...
A Midnight breeze - caresses,
                                               soft to the touch,
Kissing my neck,
                           whispering those words...
Those that cast the spell,
                                       Hypnotize me...
Change me into another.
                                        Untamed, wild.
DONE of innocence.
And never so - but a reflection, continued.
A slow gentle tide of warmth
takes me away - pulls me out - drifting,
and then down - down to the darkest depths,
where we are vividly exposed to each other , velvety touch,
liquid passion and bursting flame
Inside and out...
Uncontained and uninhibited,
Our volatile chemical.
And so I sink into the sweetest depths - unaware of this Underneath,
This love that's ensnared every molecule of me - for a time,
I am gone, blissful.
                              Unconscious.
Selfless & Needless,
                                 Dreaming only of YOU.

And I awaken to your WORDS...SOOTHING...TOUCHING
                                       More.
                                         SO:

I Erase the Slate, Begin Again.

Which is EVERYTHING.

Open Minded.
Open Heart.
Streamed with too much.
Feeling.
Could I love more, or less.
Could I narrow down.
Could I filter out.
Sensation.
Knowing after time.
What is and what isn't.
Relevant and NOT.
A rush of heat. An instant of words -
Influx and then gone.
A moment in time.
And a void...a great distance.
However filled.
Charged with electricity.
The currents of the early morning darkness,
before the light sets fire to the sky.
This is where it hides,
in hushed tones, breathing, pulsing, beating -
ever NEEDING.
It's death of earlier decades, alive again.
Expectant.
Wanting.
Waiting:
For What is nothing.
& That which is EVERYTHING.

STILL CERTAIN

Frustrated.
At waiting.
Not a word.
Not a sight or image.
RESENTFULL.
HOPEFULL.

STILL CERTAIN that perhaps I'll get a call that a prank was played
and you are still alive. (Johnny) - I convince myself at times.

STILL CERTAIN that when I wake up tomorrow morning, you will be here -
you will have NEVER left. (Aleka)


STILL CERTAIN that if you had not gone back to Spain,
you would love me still. (Daniel)
 

STILL CERTAIN that we should have kept in touch,
and we'd be inseparable still. (Matthew)

FOREVER CERTAIN of my TRUEST & closest friends, always here and in touch.
FOREVER CERTAIN of my Family.

FOREVER CERTAIN of my love for you and of your love for me, forever certain of our bond  - EUGENE.

WE DO...

Would never be necessary that you express as I do here, this is after all my page.
However I may ask the question (WITHOUT THE NEED FOR YOU TO RETURN THE REPLY):
What are your inner feelings? Do they feel as mine (do)?
I suppose it doesn't matter, doesn't count - for casualness is this purpose, at this time.
External.
I require of myself the following:
To stop all analysis. To enjoy, and just go with the flow.
I require of myself: to stop questioning and wondering.
I require of myself: that I pull my head out of those clouds and I put an end to all daydreaming.
I require of myself: to stop asking about what could have been, because the test is not of what was, or what could, but the test is of "WHAT IS". I may not know, may not be positively certain, but I know that I have space in my heart and soul and in my life for you, you & YOU. All of YOU.
Wholly, completely and utterly. With abandon and not a care. This love runs deep, and it is explored, and known and of the utmost comfort.
Warm and TOUCHABLE. Within my REACH.
YOUR Arms.
YOUR Mouth.
YOUR Words. 
We Hold.
We Kiss.
We Talk.
In whatever way, and no matter how, by whatever means,
and THROUGH ALL THREE, WE are closer than you'll ever dream.
Communication on any level, whenever deep and with meaning,
whenever heartfelt and intense are just another form of Making Love.
And we do, continually, Physically, mentally, verbally...
WE DO...

Dream...

I wish to fly, be away - gone into those mountains where
my SOUL yearns to be. Where I know I fit.
Snow and forest surrounding - and I am not flesh, I am whirled in the wind, not of this earth. Not of this plane, but of the TWELFTH Dimension, beyond.
I dream that I can fly, above and beyond this place. I know these are not really dreams, for I am aware of me, my physical sleeping body, slumbering elsewhere, but talking to me, all the while, as I am really conscious. In life I am terrified of heights, mortified of any higher plains, and as I take flight in the night, and travel
even then I cannot go to high. But as high as I dare to go, away - away and into the stars. Gone. 

A MIND FLOW.

I am surrounded,
But I am alone,
I am loved,
But I do not love...
                              words of a friend.
The complication that is your mind, I perhaps find intriguing.
Your puzzle eludes me, and I have wondering thoughts about who you REALLY are...
Perhaps it is not for me to know, as this distance divides us - NOT REAL DISTANCE, but tangible nonetheless.
I have only your words, put forth - like a communication with someone who isn't really there.
And you aren't - are you?
Yet - I see you, know your face, would know it anywhere.
And I wonder about a past that has shaped and molded you into who you are at present.
I am saddened by you and FOR you,
                             by the possibility that you could have so much to give to
                                                 so many others, if you would open up and allow yourself to FEEL.
I feel a loss, and I wish to know you complete in who you are.

I have nothing to FEAR, 
But I am Scared...

Scared? Of who? 

Of Everyone - of no one...
                                           It is just a MIND FLOW.

THE FACE.

I see how you look at me.
You and others.
I know your darkest desire,
One most intimate.
What is it I represent to you?
I am aware of my power,
Of the spell that I so easily cast...
But beyond The Face - Am I just smoke and mirrors?
I sense that my words, and anything relevant to who I really am is really
IRRELEVANT.
I see how you look at me, and how blind I have been...
How could I only just have realized?
For you see what you want to see,
but you hear not a word that I say.
And of course, I have been caught in your trap,
For though your web dissolves at times, and my escape is imminent,
Upon spinning a new web, I shall be caught once again.
Perhaps the magic is really yours, perhaps you are The Magician.
Perhaps I have been The Fool.

But I know - HOW YOU LOOK AT ME, and I     
                                                                      still
                                                                           possess 
                                                                                       that spell.
Anything above and beyond what you see when you look at me, may be meaningless, at least to you, but I know, who I am - and I am strong and independent, my words mean much - to many.
I AM above and beyond my Face.

PURE.

The Rolling Sea.
The clear Blue Sky -
The thought occurs and it is missed.
It is not enough, the sight of what once was -
So recent, yet a feeling of one long time passed.
The connection relived - a sensation of LIVE WIRE.
                                                                                   AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.
Dissipated into time - and feeling as though perhaps you've been let down.
Conversations in the present day - mundane; the weather.
Awkward silences, that shouldn't be. Weren't always.
Fake & put on...
The wind - whispering more than is cared to say, to each other.
Telling of that sense of loss, but of a bond yet to be broken.
And the clarity in your eyes - it's changed, it's KNOWING now.
And now there is a fire, a burning that clears the air, clears away all that's been heavy with burden and lethargic energy.
So the lightning strikes in the distant sky - and the rain that follows washes down and cleanses.

                       Makes us PURE again.

The Clock

These Tears are not mine to Cry,
For a Heart Failing - Foretold many years ago.
But shown only of recent.
Another life, perhaps well spent, Hopefully SO,
With Meaning and Love and much more as well.

There is a CLOCK ticking, strange how we know...
but in a few hours it will be over and the Soul will be reclaimed by It's Rightful Owner.
Thank you - for the gift to have known you, I know: to me not well,
but for the Blessing of Your presence in this Lifetime.
Your achievements have been of Greatness for you have brought forth (with A Higher Granting) Many Lives and Nurtured your beautiful Children.

How fortunate all have been though - to have been able to spend
These many years,
To have grown and to some have had children of their own.

We all Hope and PRAY that the TIME HAS NOT COME - and a miracle awaits you.

For even him, who lays at the seeming end of his life path -


Miracles have been known to happen.

The Blackest Corner

A Deep, Dark corner, the shade uncertain,
It's where I long to be,
At times and maybe even now. 
I feel a hollowness inside,
A strange emptiness. Lifeless, yet my heart is pounding. 
I see the planes of your face - surreal and unchanged
Frozen & Forever the same.

Why are words SUPPOSED to be simple,

But implicitly  - could they all be LIES?

Is what I, or You, or he, or she say(s) to be believed?

Can the truth be deciphered from insisting that it's TRUTH?

The words are perhaps a game. Maybe they're nothing but

                                                                            Utter NOISE.

AND SILENCE - It MUST be heard!
The quiet.
               The Dark.
                              Like long whispering trails of the fog,
                                                                                     with a voice within...
Calling to ME -
                         CALLING...
                                            And I am to be undone, 
by the black...
                                       The Blackest Corner.

Aleka

Like a fly on a wall, I wish I were.

The whispered voices far, far away.

That jet in the sky -  that travels to a distant land,

I wish I were on it.

A yearning to be a part of your life, 

to see you and to hold you.

To be able to touch your hand. 

To be able to talk to you and plait your hair, 

but see you for real, touch flesh and blood, and not just a cold hard screen.

Sometimes this gets so difficult that I really feel that I don't know how to deal.

Aleka, I love you and I miss you beyond anything.

You are the missing link in my life...

Yes, we may talk now more then ever before, but talking is not always enough.

The horror of it is that we shall never breach this gap, because choices were made, so long ago, and alas, they cannot be undone.

At times the pain I feel is enormous, 

the heartache...

How I have lived without you in my life for so long, I do not know.

But I GO ON.

And will always continue to...

The choices have been made.

CHANGE...

Things are no longer, perhaps what they once were.
But perhaps
                   they have remained the same.
Maybe over time and space, over the vastness between yesterday and today.
All things in retrospect are as they should be.
A perfect balance between universe's:
Ours and theirs, 
Yours and Mine.
But should there be a disharmony between planes, I WOULD BE TO BLAME.
                                              BECAUSE
the belief held is that THIS harmony IS NOT PERFECT.

Things are changing - But nothing changes.
And still - there ARE changes.

                                  *********************************


Authors Note:

We are all responsible for causing change in our lives. I have a friend (or two) who although married still have what is called emotional affairs. There is no intimacy involved, none physically anyway. Although they love their husbands very much, when a man shows them interest, they are flattered that another man could see them in that light. Eventually, if the man continues to shower them with compliments and so forth, it leads to a relationship of sorts. One where they talk, and one where, she usually FALLS HARD for the guy. Temporarily. I know, It doesn't make any sense, does it?

It's been described as feeling as though you are head over heels in love, and feeling so attracted to this person. You cannot stop thinking about him, he's there, in your waking world, in your dreams, in your nightmares. He is the air that you breathe...and this continues for a while.

And then it's gone.

Ha, Ha!!! It just VANISHES!!!! Apparently NOT THE GUY, but the feelings associated with him. She looks at him afterward, and cannot fathom that she had feelings for him, just the other day! I know, I know: it was never true.
But - it also NEVER affected her marriage. Her husband, according to her never had a clue, he never does. As unfortunately she seems to attract these kinds of men all the time...Yes, given she is a beautiful woman, with a really nice personality, who doesn't look for this kind of attention. It just comes to her, and sometimes she attracts all the wrong kinds of attention and she finds herself frustrated beyond anything!

I guess that the point I am trying to make is: Sometimes a new experience, is good, even if it is negative. And it doesn't always have to change our lives.

But also keep in mind that there is no constant, nothing is static - not even your marriage... As I always tell a person for whom I am doing a Tarot reading: Just remember that NOTHING IS SET IN STONE.

Lessons.

I am driving myself crazy, and I don't even know why.
A few written lines regardless of what - shouldn't mean a thing.
I know I spoke of subtext and the deeper meanings beneath, but yet, all they are is words - should not complicate.
Cannot change a thing. Total Recall: what's done is done.
Nor you or they, nor I could ever change that.
Sometimes a suppression is good, especially with matters of the heart when the truth hurts. Time is good too, but it is this time that aids in suppression.

I think that all things buried eventually are exposed. But not in every exposure do we come face to face with what was. Sometimes it's just the memories that linger, having been exposed by that same wonder used to hide it: TIME.

The memories are blue and red, black - trailing like a ghost not wanting to depart this earthly realm. JUST MEMORIES - THAT'S ALL...

Please don't misjudge what it is that I say, for I have no need to change anything, or to correct anything, for it cannot be corrected. There were lessons to be learnt and that was the purpose, and so you see - I've learnt them

Coke can? Or Coke bottle?

Lightning striking in our nearby sky, Furious thunder follows.

You, Fearless – dancing in the water.

At a distance on a safe shore – FEAR inside runs havoc,

and Ignorant you were REGARDLESS.

Time passes and lightning fades,

Your exciting game passes.

This one is difficult, for it requires dredging up a terrible memory of the past,

one where verbal and mental abuse prevailed,

What am I doing, this feels all wrong – but to abandon this project,

it should not be done.

Forgive the confusion...this is a tale that needs to be told (quite simply: Incredibly short and sweet)

Summer – many years ago. Camp. A river. You, A NIGHTMARE.

And the simple things along with a camp fire, perhaps tinned food & marshmallows, and stories abound, of ghosts and horrors, that fit perfectly with the company.

And Vienna Sausages along with coke cans, or was it a coke bottle?

SHADOWS...

The warm sea breeze blew in at the open window for only a moment, but she stirred nonetheless, and in her sleep she felt as though icicles had traced the length of her spine. Reality shifted to dream form, and the landscape she saw was of an icy black lake just beyond where she stood, and the icicles she had felt tracing her spine were growing out of the ice lake toward where she stood on the black shore before her very eyes - she trembled uncontrollably as fear slowly crept over her...

In the blackest of night, in the darkest of corners stood the shadow.

Watching.

How perfect her form in sleep - would be, if he weren't here. 

He knew as he watched her restless movements that he was responsible for her discomfort, that by his mere presence, invisible as he was, the dream she was enduring was projected by him. Motionless he stood, watching her nightmare unfold, watching her unconscious reactions to it. Riveted by her writhing form, he knew she was experiencing a misery that she was not deserving of, and that only he could end it. But he could not bring himself to depart her presence, he felt as though this woman whom he had never met before, who called to him in his mind from many miles away was linked to him some way, and how he had found her, how he had been drawn to her was by some magnetic force stronger than any other magnetic force he'd felt before. But, if he  were to make himself known to her, he would have to do it some other time, and during daylight hours, for if she spent to much time with him after the sun went down, then she would have a night filled with dreams of the worst scenarios. He didn't have to be present in order for the nightmares to occur. One just had to spend time in his presence before sleep to endure...

Understanding this, knowing how dangerous he could be to this beautiful soul suffering before him now, he didn't know how it was possible that he could be a part of her life, or she a part of his, without him causing tremendous damage to her psyche, which he eventually would do. A relationship was not bound by daylight hours, and he was confounded because there stood no doubt in his soul or in his mind that this woman belonged with him...

To (possibly, but not definitely) be continued...

The Queen of Swords...

There are times, when so much sits on my mind -
and I am unsure...
Surely my thoughts are safe - HERE, AT LEAST.
SO, there's a possibility
that say what I may,
                                 You will be HEARD.
Confusing, I know. This guessing game. 
Who is it about? It's always for and about YOU, all of you. Every aspect of this BEING.  WHICH? WITCH. BEING? WHO? PERSON.
A double edged sword, I beckon, come to me - WELCOME! Be
MY
      GUEST.
BUT fair warning, for I am THE QUEEN OF SWORDS, and you will NEVER know my TRUEST INTENTIONS.

Intensely Perceptive, Strong willed, Confident, Quick willed and Strong.

And then My Love Returned.

Breathe in...
A life of a lie.
Of deceit and mistrust. Dissolved - into my feelings for you.
Of love, of Honesty and integrity. Shouldn't be important if you LIE.
Honesty & Truth. Regarded...NOT.
                                                         However STRANGE NOTHING
was felt. Not a twinge of anger, not a hurt feeling.
No rage,
              No hate. After the initial emotions died down, there was NOTHING

BUT AN EMPTY VOID. And then my Love Returned.


                                      *********************************
Sometimes in life, we go through experiences that make us question certain aspects of ourselves, or the people that we love. We wonder if, after having whatever the experience, if we shall be able to trust again. We look at our loved one's and we ask ourselves quietly: "Have you lied before?" - wanting to ask aloud.
In some cases we do. We speak our minds, as I do. And still when we receive the answer of NEVER, do we doubt, because if you can lie once, there is a possibility that you have lied before... No matter HOW insignificant may be the lie that causes a current problem or issue, no matter how quickly the problem is resolved, a lie is still a lie. And that is still something, that no matter your bond, will always remain a QUESTION...

Unconnected Void

Stranger. You Are.
ALL. However,
Blood.
The Sensation is one of strangeness, still...
The feeling, unconnected. Perhaps she was right.
Perhaps there is a distance. Between whatever thoughts and emotions occur(ed)
Are in fact IRRELEVANT.
                                          STRANGE.
                                                             FACT:
                                                                        EMOTIONLESS. So none, occurred.
Yet a presence you are, but NOT A tie (that binds). Thoughts,
FOR SURE, BUT how, and of what? Of you? Of them? Hardly of any.
Is it wrong? I do not have the answer, for these are distant knowings, over space and time - the same obstacles that created the VOID.
But perhaps - time and space are exactly the phenomena required to reverse this DISCONNECTION!

Today: 27 April 2011

Aleka,
How do I do this? Considering I were to do this? Turn this Blog into a Journal, WE would be a part of it. Our lives, how we grew up together and then apart, would form part of the weave... How do I possibly begin this?

No easy feat, I am certain. Sister of mine. I need your input!!!! Help me out here. In fact I will need all to contribute to this! Calling all family and all friends, be a part of this for me!

From Tomorrow ON!

"Georgia"

Conscious Knowing

Anywhere in the world I could be,
Somewhere in the snow, high in the mountains above the world,
Where as wind treads and swirls a path up to the sky
And I am larger than life, growing at an alarmingly hastened rate.
Fifth, Surrounds me and all that I wish to protect.
Seventh, Connects to all that I Love and Care about, and all the World,
in a Purple Halo of Light.
The Twelfth, I am connected to My Guides, Angels and Guardians,
Where I would receive conscious information about a random query that I would Pose, Perhaps about YOU, Perhaps about Me.

Wonder and Excitement!

Well, Wonder and Excitement...
how you tend to fare in my life and in that of others.
How change of tides and currents depict and direct the path of
light or
darkness
we should follow.
Are our intentions foretold, perhaps by the road we travel - ALREADY,
Or are the signs to be followed?
Well wonder and excitement, I see great changes already coming about, and the signs were not what I thought them to be.
Misleading and at times even treacherous... a path always uncertain.
But a CERTAIN sign to follow, one embedded with the deepest feeling and emotion, one that will not lie...

I know I'll follow my heart!

Beautifull Daughters

My Two Beautifull Daughters:
Isobella & Alexis.
My Precious Girls. I love you BOTH Beyond Anything and Everything.
You are Both the reason I exist, The reason I breathe everyday.
My beginning in this life and ALL MY POSSIBILITY'S. I would not be who I
am today if not for both of you. God gave TWO Presents to me, My Life My
Soul...
You complete me and make me whole.
I am so Proud, and I want to say THANK YOU, for choosing me to be your
MOTHER!

Journal

So sooner or later, maybe a life story will emerge from this. Maybe I'll do something different, write about my Life. Or about how my Husband and I met, and the romantic months that ensued. Maybe I'll write about my sister that I miss to pieces. Maybe I'll make this my journal. That would be interesting.

I'll think about it, and make some sort of a decision.

Something Real/Lost

I feel like such an idiot for believing and trusting people.
I'm Gullible and naive. A Fool.
Fall, I fall. I hate that I'm not more. I hate that I'm not enough...for you.
Your words say one thing, but I wonder another. Is this Real? Will this last.
Why do you search for something beyond your reach, Why is "us" not an "us"?
I am NOT so certain anymore of MYSELF. No matter What anyone says, I thought what I had was REAL,
I thought I had SOMETHING Real/ and now I am terrified to find that maybe it was Something Lost.
I cannot just put these feelings away, cannot ignore them. But Recover, I will Recover - Given space and time.
I have already Lost to much. A Mother...A Sister...
I WILL LOSE NO MORE.

Of Soft Green

What do you see when you look at me?
Do I fulfill some yearning?
I know that and What I am.
Aware of all that surrounds me - IS ME. I know of MY affect on you, on some others Like you.
An endless possibility,
                Of Love, Passion.
A gazing look at gentle blue, The Sky.
The touch of Soft Green - that I see even in my dreams...Your Eyes.
A smile, a caress, the electric possibility of heat.
For the one nearest to me, My Soul Mate.
My Best Friend,
Forever.

The Mask You Wear

Strangely I felt as though I knew you then.
Perhaps not much more than usual, perhaps just a little more.
A week ago, this was.
But it seems to me that I was not paying attention to the signs; to the words she uttered,
I must have been so self absorbed. I heard her though, and like the past where the worst wrongdoings of a man beating a woman in front of my eyes, I was not affected. Yet, After...
When the words she uttered changed course, and meaning changed, and she changed and revealed more of herself, and more of who she truly is and experiences, then my view of you changed.
My realization of who you/she was/is, became something that sent me reeling in my own private world. 
And the shock, like the past where the wrongdoings of a married man, having an affair, did not affect me, the truth revealed about a friend, you, all in the space of a week, did indeed affect me. 
Because deep down, we want to see, believe, and feel the best for Everybody. We want to BELIEVE that Essentially, EVERYBODY is good. 
But it's sad to think that people, some of them anyhow, are pretending, are not real.
Have a face to put on for the world everyday. Sad to think that some of those people are...my...

FRIENDS!!!

Life Snatched

The Joy. Must have been immense. Know it was.
  Oh, but what excitement, what happiness in something so new, something full of life and growing.
     Such a lot to learn of someone in two short months. How would one learn a lifetime,
        Why would you want to if you didn't know? Of Course all were fooled. Particularly those closest.
The Pain. Must have been immense. Know it was.
  Mistaken. Horror. Shock. Denial. Possible? No. NO.
     What happened?
       I (you) cannot comprehend, could not have spoken to clearly.
        Could You have known? Could you have been aware, on some consciousness?
          What now, who needs to know? ALL.
Say what?
     Does it matter? Do I (you) really care?
       How does my mind wrap around the idea that there was life and now there is not. 
         How do I UNWRAP the idea that perhaps I could have taken the life to me, and perhaps, just perhaps, HE would still be here.
        Cannot know that now, but I know This much is True: There are other Plans for the
                                                 LIFE SNATCHED.