Beautiful as I still see the World,
in all its wonder. The bright blue of
the jaded sky,
the early morning mists that hover and
cling to the grass and the trees and rolling hills.
I am so reminded of a lonely haunted
misty beach, waves lapping at the shore.
Winter leaves falling from the trees,
browns and blues crunching underfoot.
The smell of Jasmine in spring, and the
smell of the Lavender Bush just outside my front door, even now in
Winter – as I run my fingers over the little purple flowers...
And I wonder – what will come to
pass.
Something strange is happening here,
with me – now.
I see you eventually getting what you
want.
I see me fading. Vanishing. Though
there is still much beauty
to behold in
this World
and in my surroundings;
I sense a delicate weakness growing
inside, slowly increasing in strength.
The sun shines – I feel it's warmth,
but these days are cold.
Inside, I feel cold and uncertain who I
have become.
Out there – someone is syphoning my
power, and I grow weaker by the day. More hollowed out as each day
passes.
There are days when things feel semi
normal, but just beyond that reach.
A strange feeling inside – perhaps a
rawness;
plaited together with a sensation of
anguish, just below the surface, which twists into self questioning.
Should I be happy?
Should I choose to be happy?
I choose;
I reach;
And it
SHIFTS.
Why? Just beyond my reach – I feel
the draining; ever so slightly, life force moving
away from me,
and it is appealing,
ever
so appealing
and inviting me to join and just let go.
Release.
Give in.
It's hard. Every day – gets harder.
It's too much of an emotional journey
for someone as I.
Everything “REMINDS” me.
What Black and White I see, what smile
on a strangers face, what hurt look in your eyes, what lyrics of that
song, what memories and images in my mind.
What expression with his hands, and
laughter ringing in the night, what all emotion inside me – bottled
up and boiling to be released.
But I cannot.
Cannot express the Love, The Laughter,
Truly the happiness which should be mine to keep.
And so; it is replaced with sadness and
the will to just stop, because it all just gets TOO much.
If TRUE happiness evades me, tell me
then, what is the point?
I cannot control the emotional input
and I have no
floodgates installed.
