Dear Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Rejection is not something that I handle well -

So rather than risk the possibility -

I just don't allow myself to be put in the situation at all.

If you held my hand – that was fine -

but I was always afraid to take yours.

Every day when your face goes through my mind a million and one times,

I find myself going a little more mad (we all know I'm already mad)

A little more crazy – as I try to make sense of what's happening to me –

what I’m doing, and what I’ve

ALREADY DONE.

I regret nothing, except for my bitterness, my anger towards you. The stupid arguments we had, and the nasty things I said about you.

You know, just as much as I do – that I never meant any of those things that I said about you or “us”.

And I so deeply wish time and time again that you had accepted my apology – imagine how different things would be between us now.

But then again, maybe in a strange way, it's a good thing, because if it hadn't been for our “fall-out”,

then I would probably not have brought myself around to doing this.

Usually when I deal with people in life, I am straight forward, and I tell them exactly what I think (that they should go to hell) – but when I write something like this –

when I take the time to do this – you have to realize that it means something more than just a few words on a piece of paper.

So what more can I say except:

I’m sorry for the person I was -

and the things I said and did.

I’m sorry for being so cold – so unfeeling, if I had given myself a split second to think twice about it – I know I would have been different.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

But after a lot of soul searching – now I know the answer.

And with what I’m about to say,

I’m opening myself up –

allowing myself to be vulnerable in a certain sense,

but there's only one person who can take advantage -

let the choice be theirs!

I was trying to do something:

I was trying to cure someone else's pain,

I was trying to erase someone else's memories -

but no matter how much I tried – I couldn't.

Nothing within myself was good enough.

I felt that I couldn't measure up to my usual standards of helping others -

I COULDN'T HELP YOU!! I let you down.

When you spoke to me about memories from the past – things about your past relationships, things that I know hurt you, I wanted to soothe you,

try to make you feel better – but I couldn't.

I could only sit there, listening to you, and watching you,

feeling your pain,

your anger – and I just felt there was nothing that I could do.

How would you have reacted, then, if I had gotten up and given you a hug, or taken your hand to hold?

To my imagination, you more than likely would have rejected me, told me to get lost -

        and that was not a risk that I could take.

So, of all the strange things that I had to do, this was yet the strangest:

I faced you – and when I did so -

I felt as though I faced myself.

I saw you, and all your anger and all your pain -

and I saw the way that you openly expressed yourself

and at the same time,

as I watched you – I watched myself.

The only difference was that I could never show my true feelings that way -

what pain I keep, is kept inside.

You wondered why I never smiled,

why I was always unhappy.

Well, after a while I had to ask myself these questions:

Why when I’m around you do I feel so inadequate?

Why did I feel that I wasn't good enough?

You were so quick to judge me – that you never gave me a chance to show you who I was beneath the bitch.

You know, I would have in time. You just never gave me the chance.

You had to listen to what everyone else said about me first.

I guess that made me angry.

No – not angry, it made me think if that was what you expected – well that's what I’d give you.

I know it wasn't right.

So allow me to go back to the questions.

Why did I never smile?

Why was I so unhappy?

Because I felt so inadequate?

Because I felt I was NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHY?

I kept asking myself these questions.

And so, my conclusion is that only YOU have the answers.

So – in the end, what you do with this letter is your choice –

all I ask is that you read it and consider!

If you change your mind – leave a message with Matthew (Berry) –

or call me on this no: 011 613 6303.

Love Georgia.

* Do you know what the funny thing is? I still want to take away your pain. 

Note: This was a letter I wrote to Johnny Leonard Du Preez sometime during the week of 06 Jan 1997 and 12 Jan 1997. I am not 100% certain that I sent it, but I do have a memory of sending him some sort of a letter. Perhaps it was this one. 

Perhaps not. Either way, he'll get it now...