Dear Diary

07 February 2012

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting outside Kenton Primary right now waiting for the girls. It's 12.35.

25 more minutes and they're done.

It's overcast and quite dark. Looks like rain, for sure – again. Actually a storm approaching.

I didn't bring a rain coat.

Well, seems that I, for a short while somehow “ misplaced” what I think may have been my own self worth. I have just a short while ago found it again. I lost it in January. Since I read a certain phrase.

I lost sight of what was important in my life for a short while. While trying so hard to get someone else to care, just because they supposedly “felt” something, I lost me.

Oh how foolish. How selfish I have been. That's all I've wanted.

Everything to be about me. But from an outside source.

I've wanted acknowledgement.

I've wanted people to be interested in what is below my surface.

I've wanted to be heard.

I've wanted people to ask me questions and to be concerned.

I've wanted so much more.

Some of what I wanted, I got. Some from concerned friends (Thank you Michelle Chantalle Smit).

Thank you to my sister.

And some not from the right people at all.

“Look at things from a different perspective” - my dearest, wonderful, most loving sister Aleka said (though this advise you could use yourself dear sister).

And now I am doing just that.

Seeing: that I don't need your approval on how I look. Realizing that I don't need her to tell me I am too complicated, or him to tell me I am over analysing.

Even through people's opinions and judgements, I have continued to dress the way I do, look the way I do. Continued to be too complicated. Continued to analyse – and most of all I have continued to FEEL. Deeply, with love, with sorrow, with pain, with anger, with yearning, with hatred and even with fear.

I should change for who?

Once again: I KNOW WHO I AM. I'VE FOUND ME AGAIN.

The question is: CAN YOU ACCEPT ME FOR ALL THAT I AM?

If not: that's YOUR LOSS.

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Note: a true insert from my diary.