DECIPHER

I have questions,

to ask.

Perhaps of you.

And perhaps of no one.

And maybe, there are no questions.

What happens in this mind of mine?

Where does it go?

Where do I wonder.

Tell me: Why am I RELEVANT?

Tell me, what is it that draws you to me?

Or is it me to you?

Do we even know?

Do I, Have I,

Made a difference?

Do I light up your sky?

There are moments, perhaps split seconds in each day, where I am lost

and INCOMPLETE.

Where there is a tear in the fabric of my existence,

and a moment later it reseals itself – as if -

there was never a void.

I know these words are complicated.

Even hard to decipher.

I doubt you could even read between the lines.

It's because this is it.

This is me.

Strange.

Complicated.

I have found.

I have LOST.

I have hated,

I have Loved,

and I do LOVE.

I have hurt.

I have BEEN hurt.

And I do STILL cry.

Because people tell me,

they have been hurt so badly that they

                                                  Choose

not to feel.

Shut down all emotion.

I would have to  

                    BEG TO DIFFER.

Who are you?

What are you?

And what will become of you, if you follow this path?

PAIN. I have suffered it.

HURT. Been integral to my life.

Everything that you have suffered,

                                               I have suffered too.

Perhaps to different degrees.

But the essential difference between us is this:

                            Take a stab at my heart.

                              Hurt me as best you can.

                                Hate me. Or love me.

                                 Laugh WITH me.

                                    Be my friend.

                                     Save my enemy.

                             Choose your path with me, 

                                 and I will take it all. 

I will accept your anger, hatred and the

pain you cause me.

I will HOLD the laughter and the love.

Because this is who I AM.

More.

I am MORE.

And so are YOU.

I WELCOME everything you throw at me.

I EMBRACE it all.

And after all is said and Done,

I hope and pray that you and I and all of us will come full circle. 

That you will finally be

                                         COMPLETE!

The Puzzle Piece

The Puzzle Piece: 13 April 2013

I am whole,

And I feel complete.

And then – there's something missing.

All thought processes slow down -

and there seems a strange distant darkness,

it's inside – I know this.

And in this gloom, I feel around, inside myself -

Inside MY SOUL.

I hear my own breath -

                                  Hear my own HEART, beating to a slow silent

                      Rhythm,

And I feel, I touch, I reach out.

But it's complete – I AM WHOLE!!

WAIT! There is something MISSING!

The darkness has changed,

light has infused,

but still in there, where I can now see,

there is but one small patch of blackness,

and a sharp light catches my eye,

as if from a small and clear jagged shard of glass,

A tiny slice of my being, broken out and fallen to the ground.

And I feel that to be complete once again – I need to reach out

and take it – Replace it.

But FEAR grips at me – small as it is;

                                       That shard will CUT ME;

                                       Slice at my skin;

                                       Slice at my SOUL -

as it has done so many times before,

               and there is no adhesive – 

no glue that might hold this one tiny bit in place.

THIS TIME: Do I leave it?

Let it lie there? Will it eventually disintegrate?

Disappear?

But it MUST!

For I will risk my soul no more;

this is a puzzle piece that I can do without -

I KNOW THIS,

but I am held back,

I hold myself back – for this LONGING!

For this

CRAVING!

And suddenly I am reminded of ALL I STILL HAVE – so much -

LOVE,

        TENDERNESS,

                             COMPASSION,

                                                  LIFE!!!

I dedicate this post to anyone who has loved and lost! And loved!! 

FLUID TRANSITION

It's been a haunting time.

A haunting distance.

With every fluid moment and movement filled

with visions...

as though blinded...

                                Spell CAST...

Upon Me... but by whom?

                                         You?

My Guides?

Speak that which you wish:

Out loud, into the world.

Leave it there.

                      Leave it to rest.

Repeat your desire often.

Call BACK that which is yours,

                                              THAT WHICH IS MINE.

I shall have nothing LESS and nothing more...

But are there more lessons for me to learn from this?

                           One planned by ME,

                         Unbeknownst to YOU?

How clever I have been.

How cunning.

How I realized my doing.

And yet, I was silent.

                                 Was I not?

But this was truly a heartfelt request,

                                                           Cunning or no.

I am encumbered with this debt

Owed.

And grateful for it with the depths of my soul.

But be Cautioned:

There are messages within messages...

Layer upon layer...

To everything I do,

Everything I have said.

And I wonder, who are we now?

Is the change great?

This TRANSITION?

Which one, amongst us hides?

Hides Secrets... Afraid to tell?

“All you have to do is ask. The RIGHT Questions.”

XXXXX

Emerald Green (Continued)

How was this possible?

Perhaps in her loneliness up here in these mountains;

she'd imagined him. She laughed at this idea.

Was she so desperate for company,

that she would imagine a man before her? And only for a few moments?

A vivid imagination, certainly she had one,

but this felt nothing like a waking dream.

She tried to recall exactly what she saw,

what she felt, and she knew that she should be paralysed by fear –

yet she felt nothing but a strange calmness,

and logic told her that because she felt no fear,

what she saw could not have been real.

Darkness fell now, completely enveloping her in it's cold blanket,

with the first icy stars glinting in the sky, as she tilted her head upward to the heaven's to behold their wonder, and tried to think of her surroundings:The cool mountain air, the trees and forest surrounding her home, the mountains in every direction she looked, the valley's far below – and the snow, how she loved the snow. All these things invigorated her, had made her feel that she was alive again. And now, she couldn't stop her mind from returning to the stranger on her land, to the beautiful and unearthly being which had appeared and disappeared as suddenly as if it had not happened at all... but something within her knew... she saw it's eyes, it was real. It MUST BE REAL. But how, if a man, did he gain entrance to her property, which was secure. What was the purpose of his visit? If given a moment or two longer, then perhaps she would have found her voice and asked...

But something tugged at her mind, something she was purposefully leaving out of her memory... she had no choice but to confront what she denied.

She had not seen him arrive, for all she knew, he'd been standing there at the edge of the clearing for minutes watching her, as she beheld the sunset... and then when she had noticed him, and his eyes shone luminous for her, as though showing a display, he did not retreat into the forest. He did not turn his back and walk away... How was it possible that he just vanished into thin air?

She tried to recall his clothing, what he was wearing, and she could not see any detail in her minds eye, only darkness that seemed to surround him, like a halo, his face was almost a shimmer, she'd thought, and then his eyes lit up, like a switch had been turned on, and those eyes seemed to hover before his face, and she'd felt a kindness in them, a raw soft emotion beginning to make itself known to her, before it was suddenly ripped away...

Emerald Green

And with the fading of the sunlight,

She beheld him,

A wondrous creature.

His presence, his beauty, his darkness.

A shadow, he must be, a trick of the light, fading,

and she unable to focus on any one feature of his face -

but knowing he was beautiful, even though she could not see...

and then his eyes shone brightly in the darkening light of the day -

Shone preternaturally, luminous, the most beautiful emerald green she had ever seen.

They seemed unearthly, out of place, as though hovering,

Were they eyes at all? But their gaze held fast to her -

and then his presence was gone!

Vanished.

And the mountain air shifted around her, and she felt as though she had just awakened from the deepest slumber,

Yet she knew she had not slept.

The pressure in the air seemed heavy, as it had before...

before the man appeared. The man? Was it a man at all?

She could tell no such thing, she could say only that a dark figure

appeared before her eyes, and then seemingly just vanished.

Her mind ran rampant: What did I see? Was there really someone there?

Was it a man? Did I imagine it? Should I PANIC?

My Final Goodbye

It's okay.

I am okay.

Strangely.

Simply.

Understood.

At once.

Why would it have made a difference WHO said goodbye first?

But somehow, it DID.

You said Goodbye,

                             I died.

I said Goodbye,

                        and so I AM FINE.

But it's all strange now – remembering hardly none at all.

And then in a burst, you laughing, your face -

perhaps at me.

A trick.

So utterly vanished – in a play of light,

and darkness, and the hush and silence:

HAS ME convinced,

There was no truth to what I saw,

       What I felt.

                        What I knew.

A mirage. Like so much water in the desert – HARDLY there.

And the silence, and not even an UTTERANCE of your name, except that in the dream –

by all

whom I was convinced

KNEW YOU,

has me :

believing,

That I am bound in a straight Jacket.

So, when I feel the need to say anything to you,

to communicate on any level: I feel the calmness spread through me,

And the feeling dissipates...

What Higher Being Administrates this calming injection, that has me forgetting that YOU

EVER EXISTED.

At least not of recent.

I truly believed that you were real...

What an IMAGINATION!

The straight jacket has dissolved and I have become Grounded.

I have finally Connected to MY TRUTH.

And YOU were never a part of it – However on this day, and forever more,

I wish you love and light in whatever your

PATH – whatever YOUR TRUTH.

And though I wish it not so: 

Allow me to say

                     My final Goodbye.

Took Us By The Hand - Part 3

In the background of our lives,

no matter 

               what we are doing,

no matter 

               who we are with,

no matter 

               how happy we think we are -

in the background of our lives,

we know the truth: Like a movie, it shall always continue -

never-ending.

We try to do our best

we try to move on.

Live our lives the best we can.

And somehow, we are living in LIMBO -

no longer PLANTED on the ground.

These differences

                            In who we were

and who we are now

are all consuming.

Seriously, what has changed?

If not a deeper understanding of love perhaps.

But not simply a love Bourne of flesh and blood.

Of HUMAN emotion

Just one kind beyond our simplest limits, our wildest imagination -

our basic carnal desires.

One beyond the Limits of these Earthly planes – THIS EARTHLY REALM.

And I (WE), you and I, 

                                are aware that we are 

                                                  searching 

                                                                 perhaps, 

for that loophole,

unsatisfied by decisions of past, of present.

We yearn for that which is truly ours,

                                                            for:

we know at some point, our life paths

will finally

MERGE, yet again.

Perhaps, even in death: 

We will DANCE for a long, long time

                                                    to come...

Took Us By The Hand - Part 2

VOLATILE, it's been...

To say the 

                least.

Tumultuous, like rapidly spreading

WILD FIRE

                Uncertain

                               of which direction

Uncertain

this friendship

and therein lies the ultimate truth.

The ultimate lie

and the most impossible 

                                      connection.

One forged through MANY lives before – BOUND

Tied.

OUR Contract States:

Regardless of STATUS

This link shall bind forever,

And how was I to know; 11 years ago.

With certainty that you would be here now

that I would be here now?

There was no knowing what I know now. 

What YOU know now

“Life is strange”, what do you mean? She replied

Where you are now, what you have done.

Again: How was I to know?

But my words were different.

Took Us By The Hand: PART 1

Uncertain

                if I can still do this

needing to find

                       something to say

Negative.

              Changed

                           To POSITIVE

Black and

               White,

                        To Beautiful Colour.

BLUE

PURPLE

RED

Bright

         A spark

                     of light

I saw in someone's eyes/you saw in her eyes.

For a moment a reminder,

                                         Momentary.

And then gone.

                       “Me happy most of the time”

And then there are days when I am not.

Days when I am lonely

                                  Alone

                                          Lost

And there are days when “I” am fragile.

And really, in all truth – I don't know how it is to be done.

How this should be a choice. Any choice. How can this be that?

A choice?

             Why

                   PUT

                         IN

                            THIS

                                   POSITION

To begin with?

Because aeon’s ago, someone, one of us, or ALL of us was

AFRAID

            of moving forward

and thereby losing a precious element:

FRIENDSHIP.

And so LIFE

                   Came along – took us by the hand,

and led us off,

                      like little children,

                                                  in different directions,

and that friendship was lost: Anyhow.

Oh fate,

            but you have not been so cruel.

                                                             For the friend you have returned.

How FRIEND has remained the same,

Yet, how different this FRIENDSHIP is now...

Syphoning Anguish/Twisted

Beautiful as I still see the World,

in all its wonder. The bright blue of the jaded sky,

the early morning mists that hover and cling to the grass and the trees and rolling hills.

I am so reminded of a lonely haunted misty beach, waves lapping at the shore.

Winter leaves falling from the trees, browns and blues crunching underfoot.

The smell of Jasmine in spring, and the smell of the Lavender Bush just outside my front door, even now in Winter – as I run my fingers over the little purple flowers...

And I wonder – what will come to pass.

Something strange is happening here, with me – now.

I see you eventually getting what you want.

I see me fading. Vanishing. Though there is still much beauty

to behold in this World

and in my surroundings;

I sense a delicate weakness growing inside, slowly increasing in strength.

The sun shines – I feel it's warmth, but these days are cold.

Inside, I feel cold and uncertain who I have become.

Out there – someone is syphoning my power, and I grow weaker by the day. More hollowed out as each day passes.

There are days when things feel semi normal, but just beyond that reach.

A strange feeling inside – perhaps a rawness;

plaited together with a sensation of anguish, just below the surface, which twists into self questioning.

Should I be happy?

Should I choose to be happy?

I choose;

I reach;

And it SHIFTS.

Why? Just beyond my reach – I feel the draining; ever so slightly, life force moving

            away from me, 

                                    and it is appealing, 

                                                                   ever so appealing 

and inviting me to join and just let go.

Release.

Give in.

It's hard. Every day – gets harder.

It's too much of an emotional journey

for someone as I.

Everything “REMINDS” me.

What Black and White I see, what smile on a strangers face, what hurt look in your eyes, what lyrics of that song, what memories and images in my mind.

What expression with his hands, and laughter ringing in the night, what all emotion inside me – bottled up and boiling to be released.

But I cannot.

Cannot express the Love, The Laughter, Truly the happiness which should be mine to keep.

And so; it is replaced with sadness and the will to just stop, because it all just gets TOO much.

If TRUE happiness evades me, tell me then, what is the point?

I cannot control the emotional input and I have no

floodgates installed.