Forgiveness

The subject of Forgiveness came up this morning for me...
While I was having a conversation with God.
I thought I should blog my thoughts and here they are...

As a Soul - we forgive readily and easily, but perhaps as Souls we only connect with the Souls of others... and in Soul we are pure, therefore perhaps nothing to forgive.
But as Human Beings, that make mistakes and are not perfect and perhaps even hurt other's UNINTENTIONALLY,
Can we really and truly forgive those:
Who KNOWING that we are (were) already in pain and suffering deeply, cause us more pain and suffering? Who go out to INFLICT INTENTIONAL destruction? Hoping to cause maximum harm, stemming from bitterness or anger, or even their own pain? That it might temporarily bring them to a place of satisfaction in knowing what they did has hurt so deeply? And to feel NO remorse for their actions? That the people they hurt had really meant THEM no harm, in fact wanted only to see them happy...
I believe we CAN forgive, we DO forgive. However often times we do it for US - Ourselves.
NOT FOR THEM.
Because the truth is that they may not even believe that they did you wrong or harm, or even feel bad about what they did.
But in order for us to have peace WITHIN ourselves, we must FORGIVE THEM. But more importantly, we must forgive ourselves, for allowing OURSELVES to hold onto whatever pain they caused us.
Once we realise that forgiveness is about the "Self", and Self respect and true Self "Love", (as God intended us to Love ourselves as we were created in His Image) - we can then move on, and move forward, releasing all the pain, bitterness, anger and all that caused harm.

This is when we realise the importance of BOUNDARIES.

Once you have your emotional boundaries in place - it becomes easy to allow people who hurt you back into your life. However this does not mean that they may repeat what they did.
It means that you will never allow them the opportunity to get as close to you as they were before, so that they may try to repeat their actions, because now - Thanks to the lesson they taught you, (The purpose of the harm they tried to inflict) You now know that you are stronger and you would NEVER tolerate it again.

It is said: The best apology is changed behaviour.
And TRUST is earned - NOT GIVEN.
Just some food for thought...

Blessings!

It's a beautiful Saturday morning... I haven't posted anything for a long long time. This is real. Real life. Not a poem. I'm sitting outside, enjoying a cup of coffee in a small section of my back yard just outside the kitchen door. Bella, my daughter is asleep still though it's already 09.12 am, and Lexi, my other daughter is over at a friends house, while Eugene my husband is also with a friends, looking for parts for his new braai. My babies, Max, Milla and Biscuit are here with me. Settled down now, but were super active a few moments ago - huh - there they go again. Oh, my Milla - she's making sand storms with her endless running around her crop circles... This one is a small one around a small braai stand that Eugene has made, temporarily while he creates the bigger one in the main yard.
The sky is a a pristine clear blue, it's going to be a warm day again. The wind is blowing though, a little chilly, but nothing serious. We've lived in this beautiful thatch house for three months now, and though we are in a suburb, it really feels as though this is a house out in the bush... because the only sounds you can hear are the birds, so many birds, and the quiet. It is so peaceful. The most tranquil quiet peaceful home I have ever lived in. I am so often amazed when I look out a window, or just sit quietly in the yard, how many different kinds of birds come into our yard, some I have never seen before... Some I have. There are trees, and bushes and rocks everywhere. This home is such a beautiful Blessing, and though this has been one of the hardest years of my life, of OUR lives in fact, we all still are able to look around and FEEL so much Love, and experience so much Gratitude, and to acknowledge each and every Blessing in our lives... This home is but one of a million of those Blessings. Right in this moment, I could not have more Gratitude and Love for EVERYONE and everything in my life! Even though some are no longer here in the physical, Alan and Bear, I am fully aware of their ever presence in our lives, spiritually. I miss them terribly and there are moments still that I cannot bare all the loss that I have had in this year. Moments where it is just all too much. I know it's the same for each member of my family. I know that everyone is experiencing it in their own way... for Alan, it's early days still. We lost him in October. The loss of him, my father, is still a very tender wound for each of us. But as I said, I feel his presence, I know he is in a better place. It's just acknowledging and fully realising that we won't see him again, physically. Or have a conversation with him like we used to. Or ask his advice... or turn to him when, knowing he was such an understanding person, who would always give exactly the right advice, even when it was something you didn't want to hear. He was brilliant in so, so many ways...
I know I shouldn't think about what it was like when he was so ill in hospital...what he was like. How he was. Changed. Not him any more... to see such a vibrant man changed in that way, was really devastating and really hard. But everyone kept their chins up. Kept it together, in the hopes that he would come home. That he would make it. The thing that kept repeating in my head over and over again, was his laugh... he had a beautiful catchy laugh. And someone said to me, later, out of the blue, that they had hardly ever heard Alan laugh. It made me think about how fortunate I was to have experienced so many many years of laughter, and happiness with him and Des, my Mother. You see, Des and Alan weren't my real parents, but that is another story for another time. Right here and now, all you need to know is that they gave me a home, brought me up as their own, looked after me, and gave me everything I could have ever needed or wanted. They were (Des still is) the most beautiful loving giving Human Beings and Souls that I have ever encountered. I am so deeply humbled and grateful to have been, to STILL be so very BLESSED and Loved by them. I can only hope that they know how much I Love them back!
Alan, as you know by now, unfortunately never made it out of hospital. He never came home, but he WENT home, back to His Father, God, who called his child back home. Now Alan is with us in spirit, and I believe it is still his strength, him pushing us and prodding us to be strong, to carry on. It's what he would want. He would never allow us to wallow in self pity, or depression. Or even sadness, so though we feel still so hurt and devastated at the loss of such a wonderful person, he is still ever present in our lives, and always will be, as my sweet daughter Alexis pointed out so adamantly when she gave her beautiful speech at his funeral!

 Alan, Thank You for everything. For giving me so much Love, and for helping me to become the person I am today. I feel at times, that I never got to say Goodbye, but now I know that there was no need to, because you are still here with us. Thank You for being the best Grandfather to my kids, and for Loving them so deeply - they miss you terribly! Thank You for showing me how to be a respectful kind giving human, and how to pass these traits on to my own children, and every person that I meet. Thank You for showing me that all people, regardless of race or color, deserve respect and decency. That forgiveness is vital. Thank You for showing me that living a private quiet life is better then living one that is constantly busy and on the go. There is so much that I want to say, so much to Thank You for... You and Des both. But you know... all the things in my Heart and Soul. I do want to say one more thing right here, on this post, before I finish up: Thank You, Alan and Des, for giving me this opportunity to live this beautiful Life... Thank You!!!

Searching

I have seen your soul,

caught a glimpse for moments,

months

years

too long?

But in a moment – too short...

It's all gone.

I go within,

I know there is more -

YOU are more...

But I see only what is external.

And I search.

In the depths of your eyes.

To feel

To know

And I am unsatisfied what what I see, 

With what I find. 

You give, 

and then you replace with silence - and leave me feeling like 

Nothing seems enough.

For you.  

Time and moments in between are lost.

Never recovered.

And I search.

More.

For the missing pieces of the puzzle.

I now HAVE your SOUL.

I now HAVE your HEART.

But still YOU are gone...

Fleeting.

There.

Here.

Focus.

Hold on to that

gaze.

And in a rush of change –

I feel FURY

ANGER

HATRED

GOUGING EYES OUT

SMASHING HEADS AGAINST A WALL

STOP!

Stop... Please.

And I realize something...

Perhaps I should begin with me.

Search my OWN SOUL.

Complete my OWN puzzle.

Or perhaps, I should just stop

SEARCHING!

Colorful Lucid...

Time can tell,
No Tales.
memories,
               The Trickster
In the tiniest glimpse of light
When the full moon
                                plays games
with where I tread,
           A million words may have
           been the preparation,
           The warmth,
                  The touch,
The CURL of THOSE lips...
  But in this place there are no words...
But comfort;
and a gentle - slow- soft
                                       FRAGILE heart
And the story we must tell
when I close my eyes,
the colours around me -
Seem impossible,
I seem to fly, with you.
Yet grounded we are amongst these snowy peaks,
where the flames of our fire flicker and fall
and die,
            To Flicker once again - in the night.
And in the dawn;
all the LIGHT created shall be gone;
as
   You
         Change
                     Depth -
As do I:
It is your eyes I shall seek,
Your smile - Your UNDERSTANDING 
of this SOUL. 
Where ice now looms, cold and bold, all around us, as I reach out
and call your name - the echo is all that surrounds me...

You have gone, and I realise - LEAVE THIS PLACE 

for THIS is but a DREAM

Take off - FLY - 
So close to the sun where
I fall - Quick Shallow Breaths
           POUNDING HEART - a room - a BED! 
Not REAL?

It was just a Lucid Dream - OR WAS IT?
 

 

LIGHT BEARER

When the Sun goes down -
The day diminishing,
and my
           path
is no longer
                  LIT.
I cannot see my way -
My forest filling with a grey bleakness,
becomes silent - as I
Stand here alone with but a single torch of light,
small in the dark,
the flicker of it's flame -
                                       DYING - but an ember -
little HOPE.
Like so much, so MANY things we hope for...
HAVE HOPE IN.
I stand here, I wait,
how to PROCEED.
Should I lose my small flicker,
then I am lost.
Oh - but this journey through these woods -
it has been for what?
To find what? To find WHOM?
Parts of me have become ungrounded along this trek,
like a mist,
                  Swirling in all directions and uncertain.
And from the corner of my eye - I see my flame go out!
And I stand - LOST - disillusioned.
No Light Of The Moon.
Nothing to light my path,
                                        Give me HOPE.
A question crosses my mind:
If I have no light to continue on my quest,
how can I possibly give any further light to others?
What are the chances, Right here, Right now?
WHO -
            Will be MY
                             LIGHT BEARER?
And the answer comes swiftly:
                                           
                                                 No one!
And so the darkness enfolds me;
                        and I must succumb.

HOPE

The sun Shines.
The birds Sing.
My HEART beats.
My SOUL SOARS.
My LIFE AWAKENS.
A new day
                Begins...
New Hope arises.
The Pain of yesterday -
                                      Lingers still,
and
      Always will.
But less each day.
And it is realized that you
CAN move on - You MUST.
You have no choice,
for you cannot stay there.
The past does not want you.
But the gift of today DOES.
Accept, all that has been.
Understand your lessons.
FEEL that pain.
And start again.
I will be here for you.
Come snow or sleet.
Night and day.
Cry here with me.
And in the palm of my hand
I shall hold your tears.
And tomorrow there is
HOPE, for yet another
chance.
Each day - Your life begins again.
Give thanks - and know that what has been
LOST -
will in God's time,
come
               AGAIN!

DECIPHER

I have questions,

to ask.

Perhaps of you.

And perhaps of no one.

And maybe, there are no questions.

What happens in this mind of mine?

Where does it go?

Where do I wonder.

Tell me: Why am I RELEVANT?

Tell me, what is it that draws you to me?

Or is it me to you?

Do we even know?

Do I, Have I,

Made a difference?

Do I light up your sky?

There are moments, perhaps split seconds in each day, where I am lost

and INCOMPLETE.

Where there is a tear in the fabric of my existence,

and a moment later it reseals itself – as if -

there was never a void.

I know these words are complicated.

Even hard to decipher.

I doubt you could even read between the lines.

It's because this is it.

This is me.

Strange.

Complicated.

I have found.

I have LOST.

I have hated,

I have Loved,

and I do LOVE.

I have hurt.

I have BEEN hurt.

And I do STILL cry.

Because people tell me,

they have been hurt so badly that they

                                                  Choose

not to feel.

Shut down all emotion.

I would have to  

                    BEG TO DIFFER.

Who are you?

What are you?

And what will become of you, if you follow this path?

PAIN. I have suffered it.

HURT. Been integral to my life.

Everything that you have suffered,

                                               I have suffered too.

Perhaps to different degrees.

But the essential difference between us is this:

                            Take a stab at my heart.

                              Hurt me as best you can.

                                Hate me. Or love me.

                                 Laugh WITH me.

                                    Be my friend.

                                     Save my enemy.

                             Choose your path with me, 

                                 and I will take it all. 

I will accept your anger, hatred and the

pain you cause me.

I will HOLD the laughter and the love.

Because this is who I AM.

More.

I am MORE.

And so are YOU.

I WELCOME everything you throw at me.

I EMBRACE it all.

And after all is said and Done,

I hope and pray that you and I and all of us will come full circle. 

That you will finally be

                                         COMPLETE!

The Puzzle Piece

The Puzzle Piece: 13 April 2013

I am whole,

And I feel complete.

And then – there's something missing.

All thought processes slow down -

and there seems a strange distant darkness,

it's inside – I know this.

And in this gloom, I feel around, inside myself -

Inside MY SOUL.

I hear my own breath -

                                  Hear my own HEART, beating to a slow silent

                      Rhythm,

And I feel, I touch, I reach out.

But it's complete – I AM WHOLE!!

WAIT! There is something MISSING!

The darkness has changed,

light has infused,

but still in there, where I can now see,

there is but one small patch of blackness,

and a sharp light catches my eye,

as if from a small and clear jagged shard of glass,

A tiny slice of my being, broken out and fallen to the ground.

And I feel that to be complete once again – I need to reach out

and take it – Replace it.

But FEAR grips at me – small as it is;

                                       That shard will CUT ME;

                                       Slice at my skin;

                                       Slice at my SOUL -

as it has done so many times before,

               and there is no adhesive – 

no glue that might hold this one tiny bit in place.

THIS TIME: Do I leave it?

Let it lie there? Will it eventually disintegrate?

Disappear?

But it MUST!

For I will risk my soul no more;

this is a puzzle piece that I can do without -

I KNOW THIS,

but I am held back,

I hold myself back – for this LONGING!

For this

CRAVING!

And suddenly I am reminded of ALL I STILL HAVE – so much -

LOVE,

        TENDERNESS,

                             COMPASSION,

                                                  LIFE!!!

I dedicate this post to anyone who has loved and lost! And loved!! 

FLUID TRANSITION

It's been a haunting time.

A haunting distance.

With every fluid moment and movement filled

with visions...

as though blinded...

                                Spell CAST...

Upon Me... but by whom?

                                         You?

My Guides?

Speak that which you wish:

Out loud, into the world.

Leave it there.

                      Leave it to rest.

Repeat your desire often.

Call BACK that which is yours,

                                              THAT WHICH IS MINE.

I shall have nothing LESS and nothing more...

But are there more lessons for me to learn from this?

                           One planned by ME,

                         Unbeknownst to YOU?

How clever I have been.

How cunning.

How I realized my doing.

And yet, I was silent.

                                 Was I not?

But this was truly a heartfelt request,

                                                           Cunning or no.

I am encumbered with this debt

Owed.

And grateful for it with the depths of my soul.

But be Cautioned:

There are messages within messages...

Layer upon layer...

To everything I do,

Everything I have said.

And I wonder, who are we now?

Is the change great?

This TRANSITION?

Which one, amongst us hides?

Hides Secrets... Afraid to tell?

“All you have to do is ask. The RIGHT Questions.”

XXXXX

Emerald Green (Continued)

How was this possible?

Perhaps in her loneliness up here in these mountains;

she'd imagined him. She laughed at this idea.

Was she so desperate for company,

that she would imagine a man before her? And only for a few moments?

A vivid imagination, certainly she had one,

but this felt nothing like a waking dream.

She tried to recall exactly what she saw,

what she felt, and she knew that she should be paralysed by fear –

yet she felt nothing but a strange calmness,

and logic told her that because she felt no fear,

what she saw could not have been real.

Darkness fell now, completely enveloping her in it's cold blanket,

with the first icy stars glinting in the sky, as she tilted her head upward to the heaven's to behold their wonder, and tried to think of her surroundings:The cool mountain air, the trees and forest surrounding her home, the mountains in every direction she looked, the valley's far below – and the snow, how she loved the snow. All these things invigorated her, had made her feel that she was alive again. And now, she couldn't stop her mind from returning to the stranger on her land, to the beautiful and unearthly being which had appeared and disappeared as suddenly as if it had not happened at all... but something within her knew... she saw it's eyes, it was real. It MUST BE REAL. But how, if a man, did he gain entrance to her property, which was secure. What was the purpose of his visit? If given a moment or two longer, then perhaps she would have found her voice and asked...

But something tugged at her mind, something she was purposefully leaving out of her memory... she had no choice but to confront what she denied.

She had not seen him arrive, for all she knew, he'd been standing there at the edge of the clearing for minutes watching her, as she beheld the sunset... and then when she had noticed him, and his eyes shone luminous for her, as though showing a display, he did not retreat into the forest. He did not turn his back and walk away... How was it possible that he just vanished into thin air?

She tried to recall his clothing, what he was wearing, and she could not see any detail in her minds eye, only darkness that seemed to surround him, like a halo, his face was almost a shimmer, she'd thought, and then his eyes lit up, like a switch had been turned on, and those eyes seemed to hover before his face, and she'd felt a kindness in them, a raw soft emotion beginning to make itself known to her, before it was suddenly ripped away...

Emerald Green

And with the fading of the sunlight,

She beheld him,

A wondrous creature.

His presence, his beauty, his darkness.

A shadow, he must be, a trick of the light, fading,

and she unable to focus on any one feature of his face -

but knowing he was beautiful, even though she could not see...

and then his eyes shone brightly in the darkening light of the day -

Shone preternaturally, luminous, the most beautiful emerald green she had ever seen.

They seemed unearthly, out of place, as though hovering,

Were they eyes at all? But their gaze held fast to her -

and then his presence was gone!

Vanished.

And the mountain air shifted around her, and she felt as though she had just awakened from the deepest slumber,

Yet she knew she had not slept.

The pressure in the air seemed heavy, as it had before...

before the man appeared. The man? Was it a man at all?

She could tell no such thing, she could say only that a dark figure

appeared before her eyes, and then seemingly just vanished.

Her mind ran rampant: What did I see? Was there really someone there?

Was it a man? Did I imagine it? Should I PANIC?

My Final Goodbye

It's okay.

I am okay.

Strangely.

Simply.

Understood.

At once.

Why would it have made a difference WHO said goodbye first?

But somehow, it DID.

You said Goodbye,

                             I died.

I said Goodbye,

                        and so I AM FINE.

But it's all strange now – remembering hardly none at all.

And then in a burst, you laughing, your face -

perhaps at me.

A trick.

So utterly vanished – in a play of light,

and darkness, and the hush and silence:

HAS ME convinced,

There was no truth to what I saw,

       What I felt.

                        What I knew.

A mirage. Like so much water in the desert – HARDLY there.

And the silence, and not even an UTTERANCE of your name, except that in the dream –

by all

whom I was convinced

KNEW YOU,

has me :

believing,

That I am bound in a straight Jacket.

So, when I feel the need to say anything to you,

to communicate on any level: I feel the calmness spread through me,

And the feeling dissipates...

What Higher Being Administrates this calming injection, that has me forgetting that YOU

EVER EXISTED.

At least not of recent.

I truly believed that you were real...

What an IMAGINATION!

The straight jacket has dissolved and I have become Grounded.

I have finally Connected to MY TRUTH.

And YOU were never a part of it – However on this day, and forever more,

I wish you love and light in whatever your

PATH – whatever YOUR TRUTH.

And though I wish it not so: 

Allow me to say

                     My final Goodbye.

Took Us By The Hand - Part 3

In the background of our lives,

no matter 

               what we are doing,

no matter 

               who we are with,

no matter 

               how happy we think we are -

in the background of our lives,

we know the truth: Like a movie, it shall always continue -

never-ending.

We try to do our best

we try to move on.

Live our lives the best we can.

And somehow, we are living in LIMBO -

no longer PLANTED on the ground.

These differences

                            In who we were

and who we are now

are all consuming.

Seriously, what has changed?

If not a deeper understanding of love perhaps.

But not simply a love Bourne of flesh and blood.

Of HUMAN emotion

Just one kind beyond our simplest limits, our wildest imagination -

our basic carnal desires.

One beyond the Limits of these Earthly planes – THIS EARTHLY REALM.

And I (WE), you and I, 

                                are aware that we are 

                                                  searching 

                                                                 perhaps, 

for that loophole,

unsatisfied by decisions of past, of present.

We yearn for that which is truly ours,

                                                            for:

we know at some point, our life paths

will finally

MERGE, yet again.

Perhaps, even in death: 

We will DANCE for a long, long time

                                                    to come...

Took Us By The Hand - Part 2

VOLATILE, it's been...

To say the 

                least.

Tumultuous, like rapidly spreading

WILD FIRE

                Uncertain

                               of which direction

Uncertain

this friendship

and therein lies the ultimate truth.

The ultimate lie

and the most impossible 

                                      connection.

One forged through MANY lives before – BOUND

Tied.

OUR Contract States:

Regardless of STATUS

This link shall bind forever,

And how was I to know; 11 years ago.

With certainty that you would be here now

that I would be here now?

There was no knowing what I know now. 

What YOU know now

“Life is strange”, what do you mean? She replied

Where you are now, what you have done.

Again: How was I to know?

But my words were different.

Took Us By The Hand: PART 1

Uncertain

                if I can still do this

needing to find

                       something to say

Negative.

              Changed

                           To POSITIVE

Black and

               White,

                        To Beautiful Colour.

BLUE

PURPLE

RED

Bright

         A spark

                     of light

I saw in someone's eyes/you saw in her eyes.

For a moment a reminder,

                                         Momentary.

And then gone.

                       “Me happy most of the time”

And then there are days when I am not.

Days when I am lonely

                                  Alone

                                          Lost

And there are days when “I” am fragile.

And really, in all truth – I don't know how it is to be done.

How this should be a choice. Any choice. How can this be that?

A choice?

             Why

                   PUT

                         IN

                            THIS

                                   POSITION

To begin with?

Because aeon’s ago, someone, one of us, or ALL of us was

AFRAID

            of moving forward

and thereby losing a precious element:

FRIENDSHIP.

And so LIFE

                   Came along – took us by the hand,

and led us off,

                      like little children,

                                                  in different directions,

and that friendship was lost: Anyhow.

Oh fate,

            but you have not been so cruel.

                                                             For the friend you have returned.

How FRIEND has remained the same,

Yet, how different this FRIENDSHIP is now...

Syphoning Anguish/Twisted

Beautiful as I still see the World,

in all its wonder. The bright blue of the jaded sky,

the early morning mists that hover and cling to the grass and the trees and rolling hills.

I am so reminded of a lonely haunted misty beach, waves lapping at the shore.

Winter leaves falling from the trees, browns and blues crunching underfoot.

The smell of Jasmine in spring, and the smell of the Lavender Bush just outside my front door, even now in Winter – as I run my fingers over the little purple flowers...

And I wonder – what will come to pass.

Something strange is happening here, with me – now.

I see you eventually getting what you want.

I see me fading. Vanishing. Though there is still much beauty

to behold in this World

and in my surroundings;

I sense a delicate weakness growing inside, slowly increasing in strength.

The sun shines – I feel it's warmth, but these days are cold.

Inside, I feel cold and uncertain who I have become.

Out there – someone is syphoning my power, and I grow weaker by the day. More hollowed out as each day passes.

There are days when things feel semi normal, but just beyond that reach.

A strange feeling inside – perhaps a rawness;

plaited together with a sensation of anguish, just below the surface, which twists into self questioning.

Should I be happy?

Should I choose to be happy?

I choose;

I reach;

And it SHIFTS.

Why? Just beyond my reach – I feel the draining; ever so slightly, life force moving

            away from me, 

                                    and it is appealing, 

                                                                   ever so appealing 

and inviting me to join and just let go.

Release.

Give in.

It's hard. Every day – gets harder.

It's too much of an emotional journey

for someone as I.

Everything “REMINDS” me.

What Black and White I see, what smile on a strangers face, what hurt look in your eyes, what lyrics of that song, what memories and images in my mind.

What expression with his hands, and laughter ringing in the night, what all emotion inside me – bottled up and boiling to be released.

But I cannot.

Cannot express the Love, The Laughter, Truly the happiness which should be mine to keep.

And so; it is replaced with sadness and the will to just stop, because it all just gets TOO much.

If TRUE happiness evades me, tell me then, what is the point?

I cannot control the emotional input and I have no

floodgates installed.

PARADIGM/SHIFTED

I am frustrated at not being able to

express.

Adequately.

And much. At once. Too much.

All for you.

And None for YOU.

Why must there always be a single sided paradigm, when in reality,

MY reality – it has shifted.

Why cannot love be held for two?

Why would it not be understood?

When I understand it perfectly.

I have more than sufficient.

But a coldness creeps up to greet me.

A “blackness” all too familiar.

The Black door, Yet again.

And I find myself aloof, Unfeeling.

If you cannot accept – I SHOULD CARE?

Any which way you choose.

But I will give up, hand over

NOTHING.

Adaptation is the key word here.

And at once.

NOT a moment later.

Death of Each Other

A little laughter,

I beg of you.

Is it too late now?

I don't believe it is.

We have all the time in the world.

It means so much.

So very very much.

YOU do.

I have no regrets.

Even if you don't laugh, and I can't make you -

At least there will be a little joy. In whatever pleasure.

Sensually, or perhaps just in your imagination.

Maybe just casually. Simply...

There are no errors, no mistakes.

But fear.

Therefore: do not fear. No space/No time for this.

We have become entangled like an intricately woven knot.

Cool

       Hot

             Ice

                  Melting

Shards

          Glass

                  Bleeding

                               Heart

Wounded.

Forever.

              At your mercy. 

                                      We'd be the death of each other.

Perhaps because we are each other.

Spontaneous.

                     Ravage.

                                 Destroy.

                                              Pleasure.

ME.

Where my place is/Not ANYWHERE.

What do you desire? Silence.

Noise.

Passion? Perhaps from a lover? (ex) /or perhaps no longer so (ex)

Perhaps you wish for a vacuum...At least from me.

Say the word, and it shall be done.

Perhaps I have intruded. Perhaps it was never my place, but still I feel wrong.

I feel wrong in having made this statement.

I feel right. Right at home. Right here.

In this place that we have created.

What has happened? What has transpired?

What has taken place?

Nothing.

For once, I have inadequate words to describe.

To give you (the reader) sufficient visual information on how I feel.

And so I doubt myself.

                                   As I often do,

Self loathing, it so becomes me.

                                          I need to remember my place.

Friend.

           Never challenge more.

For there is a most delicate of balances here,

at work – sublimely. 

                               Silken.

                                         Easily penetrated.

Easily destroyed.

And my terror lies in this destruction,

in the dissolving of this tender touch.

To never see your face again.

That would be the death of me.

                                              Of my soul.

To never hear your voice again...

and so, I don't know 

where my place is.

 

It is neither here nor there.

Perhaps it is not ANYWHERE.