UNinspired/Incomplete

I felt as though days were missing.
I slept, woke up and there was a gap.
In recalling you.
But days are not missing, I did not sleep and wake up
- yet there is still space.
At that particular time, I was never satisfied.
At that particular time - I was incomplete, one way or another.
My self worth lay in something lost.
My self worth was held in something that did not/does not exist in my life.
In my world.
That was incorrect of me to even consider trusting. Not that I did.
Friendships are what's wanted - demanded - insisted upon. The norm.
But at the same time MORE is also wanted - demanded & insisted upon.
The subtext, and layers below words. REAL meanings.
Satisfaction in what we have is never a given.
Certain things feel wrong now - unbalanced.
Incomplete.
Moving forward in a vacuum - trying to, is pointless.
Examining & experiencing something that doesn't really exist: WHY?
Don't know you.
Thought I did.
Thought I might.
Pretentious and fake.
Could not know you.
NOT in this lifetime.
Maybe, not in any.
Surprising to me? Shouldn't be. I should know better. I do.
And so I shall heed the warning.
No matter.
Regardless,
I will now RELINQUISH (to give up), uninspired.
Because it's
                   EASY
                           to NOW DO SO.

Coiled Spring - WOUND TIGHT

Coiled Spring,
                       Wound Tight. 
Internal Pressure - about to burst. 
Heart Beating 1000 Miles an hour
Uncontainable.
Extreme Emotion
Fire Roaring
Tearing Through ME
Ripping Me apart
Every Fiber, Every Molecule. 
I see you in my minds eye. 
I see a Vision of you and I. 
How do I put into words the sight that I see? 
How do I put into Words what I FEEL in my SOUL?
Deeply. 
Entwined.
As you look into my eyes.
LOCKED together - absorbed by one another,
We take of each other - time and time again.
Over and Over.
A delicious, sliding, wetness.
Coiled Spring - WOUND TIGHT,
Coming unraveled, internal pressure, 
Reaching it's peak. 
Uncontained,
Unbound, 
An Immense Explosion.

Cannot Erase...

Feel. With every fiber, with every breath.
Deeply.
Know. Without a doubt, the pain you feel is real.
A loss again. Come undone.
And you should never have been permitted this allowance.
You should have restrained yourself.
Lay it down.
                   Let it go.
Your life has complete meaning
                                                   Even without...
I know the pain you feel is immense.
I know it leaves you weakened. Broken. Torn.
And it will pass. But RIGHT NOW - I'm not so sure.
Those hidden tears -
                                  that MASQUERADE, and your BRAVE face.

I know those tears eat away deep into your soul, like acid -
leaving an emptiness, so incredibly vast & profound.
And these words, are insufficient as a comfort.
I can only try. But I have failed,
                                                    for I cannot erase...



                                                

Answers to THESE QUESTIONS.

Quiet.
Alone.
Away.
Space.
Time.
For
You
To think.
Become rational.
In a
Decision.
Make certain.
Of
Your Choice.
Ignorance
the same
as ignore.
After
Each
break
of 2
days, I become doubtful. Of me. Of the silence. And uncertainty seems to have been forever there, deep in my bones. I was sure that it wasn't that way, that just on Friday I flew high, and knew something elusive that today I DO NOT.
Just beyond my grip. With smooth silky substance felt on my fingertips, and then with casualness just slipped away... Monday - it is gone. Again. And again. And Tuesday, will it return? The answers that I seek? Eventually:
yes.
It
Will.
But
Perhaps Answers - NO.
Because maybe, just maybe, there
are
NO ANSWERS TO 
                              THESE QUESTIONS.

To NOT GIVE UP. (UN relinquished)

And so a soul said to me:
Continue with whatever you may feel. Stuck. Frustrated.
And I have no words, am confused beyond the boundaries of who I should be.
Contemplate all that is, and more. Much more.
And now I find: My mind is clear. Albeit I am in two.
A live wire, a raw nerve. These images.
You. Us. ALL.
Unknowing.
Uncontrollable.
Worn down & smiling.
Thrilling to wonder what tomorrow will bring.
What words, what feelings, what emotions.
What thoughts.
And so the bar is raised yet again, what a spin on reality.
Looking down this tunnel. What is this based on?
Really, what are the grounds on which this foundation is built?
And is it strong?
How can we be certain?
What if changes were made, however subtle to all those surrounding,
and the incorrect path were taken. Or perhaps the correct one.
Would the difference be immense?
And yearning for a dangerous truth.
One forever currently present.
And at the time uncalled for,
                                       and currently UN relinquished!

Underneath.

Layered, At times Frayed.
No Struggle to go within - to see who you really are.
To view your many elements.
Hot to the touch - Blistering.
Languid
A form
In the door...
A Midnight breeze - caresses,
                                               soft to the touch,
Kissing my neck,
                           whispering those words...
Those that cast the spell,
                                       Hypnotize me...
Change me into another.
                                        Untamed, wild.
DONE of innocence.
And never so - but a reflection, continued.
A slow gentle tide of warmth
takes me away - pulls me out - drifting,
and then down - down to the darkest depths,
where we are vividly exposed to each other , velvety touch,
liquid passion and bursting flame
Inside and out...
Uncontained and uninhibited,
Our volatile chemical.
And so I sink into the sweetest depths - unaware of this Underneath,
This love that's ensnared every molecule of me - for a time,
I am gone, blissful.
                              Unconscious.
Selfless & Needless,
                                 Dreaming only of YOU.

And I awaken to your WORDS...SOOTHING...TOUCHING
                                       More.
                                         SO:

I Erase the Slate, Begin Again.

Which is EVERYTHING.

Open Minded.
Open Heart.
Streamed with too much.
Feeling.
Could I love more, or less.
Could I narrow down.
Could I filter out.
Sensation.
Knowing after time.
What is and what isn't.
Relevant and NOT.
A rush of heat. An instant of words -
Influx and then gone.
A moment in time.
And a void...a great distance.
However filled.
Charged with electricity.
The currents of the early morning darkness,
before the light sets fire to the sky.
This is where it hides,
in hushed tones, breathing, pulsing, beating -
ever NEEDING.
It's death of earlier decades, alive again.
Expectant.
Wanting.
Waiting:
For What is nothing.
& That which is EVERYTHING.

STILL CERTAIN

Frustrated.
At waiting.
Not a word.
Not a sight or image.
RESENTFULL.
HOPEFULL.

STILL CERTAIN that perhaps I'll get a call that a prank was played
and you are still alive. (Johnny) - I convince myself at times.

STILL CERTAIN that when I wake up tomorrow morning, you will be here -
you will have NEVER left. (Aleka)


STILL CERTAIN that if you had not gone back to Spain,
you would love me still. (Daniel)
 

STILL CERTAIN that we should have kept in touch,
and we'd be inseparable still. (Matthew)

FOREVER CERTAIN of my TRUEST & closest friends, always here and in touch.
FOREVER CERTAIN of my Family.

FOREVER CERTAIN of my love for you and of your love for me, forever certain of our bond  - EUGENE.

WE DO...

Would never be necessary that you express as I do here, this is after all my page.
However I may ask the question (WITHOUT THE NEED FOR YOU TO RETURN THE REPLY):
What are your inner feelings? Do they feel as mine (do)?
I suppose it doesn't matter, doesn't count - for casualness is this purpose, at this time.
External.
I require of myself the following:
To stop all analysis. To enjoy, and just go with the flow.
I require of myself: to stop questioning and wondering.
I require of myself: that I pull my head out of those clouds and I put an end to all daydreaming.
I require of myself: to stop asking about what could have been, because the test is not of what was, or what could, but the test is of "WHAT IS". I may not know, may not be positively certain, but I know that I have space in my heart and soul and in my life for you, you & YOU. All of YOU.
Wholly, completely and utterly. With abandon and not a care. This love runs deep, and it is explored, and known and of the utmost comfort.
Warm and TOUCHABLE. Within my REACH.
YOUR Arms.
YOUR Mouth.
YOUR Words. 
We Hold.
We Kiss.
We Talk.
In whatever way, and no matter how, by whatever means,
and THROUGH ALL THREE, WE are closer than you'll ever dream.
Communication on any level, whenever deep and with meaning,
whenever heartfelt and intense are just another form of Making Love.
And we do, continually, Physically, mentally, verbally...
WE DO...

Dream...

I wish to fly, be away - gone into those mountains where
my SOUL yearns to be. Where I know I fit.
Snow and forest surrounding - and I am not flesh, I am whirled in the wind, not of this earth. Not of this plane, but of the TWELFTH Dimension, beyond.
I dream that I can fly, above and beyond this place. I know these are not really dreams, for I am aware of me, my physical sleeping body, slumbering elsewhere, but talking to me, all the while, as I am really conscious. In life I am terrified of heights, mortified of any higher plains, and as I take flight in the night, and travel
even then I cannot go to high. But as high as I dare to go, away - away and into the stars. Gone.