Which is EVERYTHING.

Open Minded.
Open Heart.
Streamed with too much.
Feeling.
Could I love more, or less.
Could I narrow down.
Could I filter out.
Sensation.
Knowing after time.
What is and what isn't.
Relevant and NOT.
A rush of heat. An instant of words -
Influx and then gone.
A moment in time.
And a void...a great distance.
However filled.
Charged with electricity.
The currents of the early morning darkness,
before the light sets fire to the sky.
This is where it hides,
in hushed tones, breathing, pulsing, beating -
ever NEEDING.
It's death of earlier decades, alive again.
Expectant.
Wanting.
Waiting:
For What is nothing.
& That which is EVERYTHING.

STILL CERTAIN

Frustrated.
At waiting.
Not a word.
Not a sight or image.
RESENTFULL.
HOPEFULL.

STILL CERTAIN that perhaps I'll get a call that a prank was played
and you are still alive. (Johnny) - I convince myself at times.

STILL CERTAIN that when I wake up tomorrow morning, you will be here -
you will have NEVER left. (Aleka)


STILL CERTAIN that if you had not gone back to Spain,
you would love me still. (Daniel)
 

STILL CERTAIN that we should have kept in touch,
and we'd be inseparable still. (Matthew)

FOREVER CERTAIN of my TRUEST & closest friends, always here and in touch.
FOREVER CERTAIN of my Family.

FOREVER CERTAIN of my love for you and of your love for me, forever certain of our bond  - EUGENE.

WE DO...

Would never be necessary that you express as I do here, this is after all my page.
However I may ask the question (WITHOUT THE NEED FOR YOU TO RETURN THE REPLY):
What are your inner feelings? Do they feel as mine (do)?
I suppose it doesn't matter, doesn't count - for casualness is this purpose, at this time.
External.
I require of myself the following:
To stop all analysis. To enjoy, and just go with the flow.
I require of myself: to stop questioning and wondering.
I require of myself: that I pull my head out of those clouds and I put an end to all daydreaming.
I require of myself: to stop asking about what could have been, because the test is not of what was, or what could, but the test is of "WHAT IS". I may not know, may not be positively certain, but I know that I have space in my heart and soul and in my life for you, you & YOU. All of YOU.
Wholly, completely and utterly. With abandon and not a care. This love runs deep, and it is explored, and known and of the utmost comfort.
Warm and TOUCHABLE. Within my REACH.
YOUR Arms.
YOUR Mouth.
YOUR Words. 
We Hold.
We Kiss.
We Talk.
In whatever way, and no matter how, by whatever means,
and THROUGH ALL THREE, WE are closer than you'll ever dream.
Communication on any level, whenever deep and with meaning,
whenever heartfelt and intense are just another form of Making Love.
And we do, continually, Physically, mentally, verbally...
WE DO...

Dream...

I wish to fly, be away - gone into those mountains where
my SOUL yearns to be. Where I know I fit.
Snow and forest surrounding - and I am not flesh, I am whirled in the wind, not of this earth. Not of this plane, but of the TWELFTH Dimension, beyond.
I dream that I can fly, above and beyond this place. I know these are not really dreams, for I am aware of me, my physical sleeping body, slumbering elsewhere, but talking to me, all the while, as I am really conscious. In life I am terrified of heights, mortified of any higher plains, and as I take flight in the night, and travel
even then I cannot go to high. But as high as I dare to go, away - away and into the stars. Gone. 

A MIND FLOW.

I am surrounded,
But I am alone,
I am loved,
But I do not love...
                              words of a friend.
The complication that is your mind, I perhaps find intriguing.
Your puzzle eludes me, and I have wondering thoughts about who you REALLY are...
Perhaps it is not for me to know, as this distance divides us - NOT REAL DISTANCE, but tangible nonetheless.
I have only your words, put forth - like a communication with someone who isn't really there.
And you aren't - are you?
Yet - I see you, know your face, would know it anywhere.
And I wonder about a past that has shaped and molded you into who you are at present.
I am saddened by you and FOR you,
                             by the possibility that you could have so much to give to
                                                 so many others, if you would open up and allow yourself to FEEL.
I feel a loss, and I wish to know you complete in who you are.

I have nothing to FEAR, 
But I am Scared...

Scared? Of who? 

Of Everyone - of no one...
                                           It is just a MIND FLOW.

THE FACE.

I see how you look at me.
You and others.
I know your darkest desire,
One most intimate.
What is it I represent to you?
I am aware of my power,
Of the spell that I so easily cast...
But beyond The Face - Am I just smoke and mirrors?
I sense that my words, and anything relevant to who I really am is really
IRRELEVANT.
I see how you look at me, and how blind I have been...
How could I only just have realized?
For you see what you want to see,
but you hear not a word that I say.
And of course, I have been caught in your trap,
For though your web dissolves at times, and my escape is imminent,
Upon spinning a new web, I shall be caught once again.
Perhaps the magic is really yours, perhaps you are The Magician.
Perhaps I have been The Fool.

But I know - HOW YOU LOOK AT ME, and I     
                                                                      still
                                                                           possess 
                                                                                       that spell.
Anything above and beyond what you see when you look at me, may be meaningless, at least to you, but I know, who I am - and I am strong and independent, my words mean much - to many.
I AM above and beyond my Face.

PURE.

The Rolling Sea.
The clear Blue Sky -
The thought occurs and it is missed.
It is not enough, the sight of what once was -
So recent, yet a feeling of one long time passed.
The connection relived - a sensation of LIVE WIRE.
                                                                                   AN ELECTRIC SHOCK.
Dissipated into time - and feeling as though perhaps you've been let down.
Conversations in the present day - mundane; the weather.
Awkward silences, that shouldn't be. Weren't always.
Fake & put on...
The wind - whispering more than is cared to say, to each other.
Telling of that sense of loss, but of a bond yet to be broken.
And the clarity in your eyes - it's changed, it's KNOWING now.
And now there is a fire, a burning that clears the air, clears away all that's been heavy with burden and lethargic energy.
So the lightning strikes in the distant sky - and the rain that follows washes down and cleanses.

                       Makes us PURE again.

The Clock

These Tears are not mine to Cry,
For a Heart Failing - Foretold many years ago.
But shown only of recent.
Another life, perhaps well spent, Hopefully SO,
With Meaning and Love and much more as well.

There is a CLOCK ticking, strange how we know...
but in a few hours it will be over and the Soul will be reclaimed by It's Rightful Owner.
Thank you - for the gift to have known you, I know: to me not well,
but for the Blessing of Your presence in this Lifetime.
Your achievements have been of Greatness for you have brought forth (with A Higher Granting) Many Lives and Nurtured your beautiful Children.

How fortunate all have been though - to have been able to spend
These many years,
To have grown and to some have had children of their own.

We all Hope and PRAY that the TIME HAS NOT COME - and a miracle awaits you.

For even him, who lays at the seeming end of his life path -


Miracles have been known to happen.

The Blackest Corner

A Deep, Dark corner, the shade uncertain,
It's where I long to be,
At times and maybe even now. 
I feel a hollowness inside,
A strange emptiness. Lifeless, yet my heart is pounding. 
I see the planes of your face - surreal and unchanged
Frozen & Forever the same.

Why are words SUPPOSED to be simple,

But implicitly  - could they all be LIES?

Is what I, or You, or he, or she say(s) to be believed?

Can the truth be deciphered from insisting that it's TRUTH?

The words are perhaps a game. Maybe they're nothing but

                                                                            Utter NOISE.

AND SILENCE - It MUST be heard!
The quiet.
               The Dark.
                              Like long whispering trails of the fog,
                                                                                     with a voice within...
Calling to ME -
                         CALLING...
                                            And I am to be undone, 
by the black...
                                       The Blackest Corner.

Aleka

Like a fly on a wall, I wish I were.

The whispered voices far, far away.

That jet in the sky -  that travels to a distant land,

I wish I were on it.

A yearning to be a part of your life, 

to see you and to hold you.

To be able to touch your hand. 

To be able to talk to you and plait your hair, 

but see you for real, touch flesh and blood, and not just a cold hard screen.

Sometimes this gets so difficult that I really feel that I don't know how to deal.

Aleka, I love you and I miss you beyond anything.

You are the missing link in my life...

Yes, we may talk now more then ever before, but talking is not always enough.

The horror of it is that we shall never breach this gap, because choices were made, so long ago, and alas, they cannot be undone.

At times the pain I feel is enormous, 

the heartache...

How I have lived without you in my life for so long, I do not know.

But I GO ON.

And will always continue to...

The choices have been made.