It's a beautiful Saturday morning... I haven't posted anything for a long long time. This is real. Real life. Not a poem. I'm sitting outside, enjoying a cup of coffee in a small section of my back yard just outside the kitchen door. Bella, my daughter is asleep still though it's already 09.12 am, and Lexi, my other daughter is over at a friends house, while Eugene my husband is also with a friends, looking for parts for his new braai. My babies, Max, Milla and Biscuit are here with me. Settled down now, but were super active a few moments ago - huh - there they go again. Oh, my Milla - she's making sand storms with her endless running around her crop circles... This one is a small one around a small braai stand that Eugene has made, temporarily while he creates the bigger one in the main yard.
The sky is a a pristine clear blue, it's going to be a warm day again. The wind is blowing though, a little chilly, but nothing serious. We've lived in this beautiful thatch house for three months now, and though we are in a suburb, it really feels as though this is a house out in the bush... because the only sounds you can hear are the birds, so many birds, and the quiet. It is so peaceful. The most tranquil quiet peaceful home I have ever lived in. I am so often amazed when I look out a window, or just sit quietly in the yard, how many different kinds of birds come into our yard, some I have never seen before... Some I have. There are trees, and bushes and rocks everywhere. This home is such a beautiful Blessing, and though this has been one of the hardest years of my life, of OUR lives in fact, we all still are able to look around and FEEL so much Love, and experience so much Gratitude, and to acknowledge each and every Blessing in our lives... This home is but one of a million of those Blessings. Right in this moment, I could not have more Gratitude and Love for EVERYONE and everything in my life! Even though some are no longer here in the physical, Alan and Bear, I am fully aware of their ever presence in our lives, spiritually. I miss them terribly and there are moments still that I cannot bare all the loss that I have had in this year. Moments where it is just all too much. I know it's the same for each member of my family. I know that everyone is experiencing it in their own way... for Alan, it's early days still. We lost him in October. The loss of him, my father, is still a very tender wound for each of us. But as I said, I feel his presence, I know he is in a better place. It's just acknowledging and fully realising that we won't see him again, physically. Or have a conversation with him like we used to. Or ask his advice... or turn to him when, knowing he was such an understanding person, who would always give exactly the right advice, even when it was something you didn't want to hear. He was brilliant in so, so many ways...
I know I shouldn't think about what it was like when he was so ill in hospital...what he was like. How he was. Changed. Not him any more... to see such a vibrant man changed in that way, was really devastating and really hard. But everyone kept their chins up. Kept it together, in the hopes that he would come home. That he would make it. The thing that kept repeating in my head over and over again, was his laugh... he had a beautiful catchy laugh. And someone said to me, later, out of the blue, that they had hardly ever heard Alan laugh. It made me think about how fortunate I was to have experienced so many many years of laughter, and happiness with him and Des, my Mother. You see, Des and Alan weren't my real parents, but that is another story for another time. Right here and now, all you need to know is that they gave me a home, brought me up as their own, looked after me, and gave me everything I could have ever needed or wanted. They were (Des still is) the most beautiful loving giving Human Beings and Souls that I have ever encountered. I am so deeply humbled and grateful to have been, to STILL be so very BLESSED and Loved by them. I can only hope that they know how much I Love them back!
Alan, as you know by now, unfortunately never made it out of hospital. He never came home, but he WENT home, back to His Father, God, who called his child back home. Now Alan is with us in spirit, and I believe it is still his strength, him pushing us and prodding us to be strong, to carry on. It's what he would want. He would never allow us to wallow in self pity, or depression. Or even sadness, so though we feel still so hurt and devastated at the loss of such a wonderful person, he is still ever present in our lives, and always will be, as my sweet daughter Alexis pointed out so adamantly when she gave her beautiful speech at his funeral!
Alan, Thank You for everything. For giving me so much Love, and for helping me to become the person I am today. I feel at times, that I never got to say Goodbye, but now I know that there was no need to, because you are still here with us. Thank You for being the best Grandfather to my kids, and for Loving them so deeply - they miss you terribly! Thank You for showing me how to be a respectful kind giving human, and how to pass these traits on to my own children, and every person that I meet. Thank You for showing me that all people, regardless of race or color, deserve respect and decency. That forgiveness is vital. Thank You for showing me that living a private quiet life is better then living one that is constantly busy and on the go. There is so much that I want to say, so much to Thank You for... You and Des both. But you know... all the things in my Heart and Soul. I do want to say one more thing right here, on this post, before I finish up: Thank You, Alan and Des, for giving me this opportunity to live this beautiful Life... Thank You!!!
