Forgiveness

The subject of Forgiveness came up this morning for me...
While I was having a conversation with God.
I thought I should blog my thoughts and here they are...

As a Soul - we forgive readily and easily, but perhaps as Souls we only connect with the Souls of others... and in Soul we are pure, therefore perhaps nothing to forgive.
But as Human Beings, that make mistakes and are not perfect and perhaps even hurt other's UNINTENTIONALLY,
Can we really and truly forgive those:
Who KNOWING that we are (were) already in pain and suffering deeply, cause us more pain and suffering? Who go out to INFLICT INTENTIONAL destruction? Hoping to cause maximum harm, stemming from bitterness or anger, or even their own pain? That it might temporarily bring them to a place of satisfaction in knowing what they did has hurt so deeply? And to feel NO remorse for their actions? That the people they hurt had really meant THEM no harm, in fact wanted only to see them happy...
I believe we CAN forgive, we DO forgive. However often times we do it for US - Ourselves.
NOT FOR THEM.
Because the truth is that they may not even believe that they did you wrong or harm, or even feel bad about what they did.
But in order for us to have peace WITHIN ourselves, we must FORGIVE THEM. But more importantly, we must forgive ourselves, for allowing OURSELVES to hold onto whatever pain they caused us.
Once we realise that forgiveness is about the "Self", and Self respect and true Self "Love", (as God intended us to Love ourselves as we were created in His Image) - we can then move on, and move forward, releasing all the pain, bitterness, anger and all that caused harm.

This is when we realise the importance of BOUNDARIES.

Once you have your emotional boundaries in place - it becomes easy to allow people who hurt you back into your life. However this does not mean that they may repeat what they did.
It means that you will never allow them the opportunity to get as close to you as they were before, so that they may try to repeat their actions, because now - Thanks to the lesson they taught you, (The purpose of the harm they tried to inflict) You now know that you are stronger and you would NEVER tolerate it again.

It is said: The best apology is changed behaviour.
And TRUST is earned - NOT GIVEN.
Just some food for thought...

Blessings!

It's a beautiful Saturday morning... I haven't posted anything for a long long time. This is real. Real life. Not a poem. I'm sitting outside, enjoying a cup of coffee in a small section of my back yard just outside the kitchen door. Bella, my daughter is asleep still though it's already 09.12 am, and Lexi, my other daughter is over at a friends house, while Eugene my husband is also with a friends, looking for parts for his new braai. My babies, Max, Milla and Biscuit are here with me. Settled down now, but were super active a few moments ago - huh - there they go again. Oh, my Milla - she's making sand storms with her endless running around her crop circles... This one is a small one around a small braai stand that Eugene has made, temporarily while he creates the bigger one in the main yard.
The sky is a a pristine clear blue, it's going to be a warm day again. The wind is blowing though, a little chilly, but nothing serious. We've lived in this beautiful thatch house for three months now, and though we are in a suburb, it really feels as though this is a house out in the bush... because the only sounds you can hear are the birds, so many birds, and the quiet. It is so peaceful. The most tranquil quiet peaceful home I have ever lived in. I am so often amazed when I look out a window, or just sit quietly in the yard, how many different kinds of birds come into our yard, some I have never seen before... Some I have. There are trees, and bushes and rocks everywhere. This home is such a beautiful Blessing, and though this has been one of the hardest years of my life, of OUR lives in fact, we all still are able to look around and FEEL so much Love, and experience so much Gratitude, and to acknowledge each and every Blessing in our lives... This home is but one of a million of those Blessings. Right in this moment, I could not have more Gratitude and Love for EVERYONE and everything in my life! Even though some are no longer here in the physical, Alan and Bear, I am fully aware of their ever presence in our lives, spiritually. I miss them terribly and there are moments still that I cannot bare all the loss that I have had in this year. Moments where it is just all too much. I know it's the same for each member of my family. I know that everyone is experiencing it in their own way... for Alan, it's early days still. We lost him in October. The loss of him, my father, is still a very tender wound for each of us. But as I said, I feel his presence, I know he is in a better place. It's just acknowledging and fully realising that we won't see him again, physically. Or have a conversation with him like we used to. Or ask his advice... or turn to him when, knowing he was such an understanding person, who would always give exactly the right advice, even when it was something you didn't want to hear. He was brilliant in so, so many ways...
I know I shouldn't think about what it was like when he was so ill in hospital...what he was like. How he was. Changed. Not him any more... to see such a vibrant man changed in that way, was really devastating and really hard. But everyone kept their chins up. Kept it together, in the hopes that he would come home. That he would make it. The thing that kept repeating in my head over and over again, was his laugh... he had a beautiful catchy laugh. And someone said to me, later, out of the blue, that they had hardly ever heard Alan laugh. It made me think about how fortunate I was to have experienced so many many years of laughter, and happiness with him and Des, my Mother. You see, Des and Alan weren't my real parents, but that is another story for another time. Right here and now, all you need to know is that they gave me a home, brought me up as their own, looked after me, and gave me everything I could have ever needed or wanted. They were (Des still is) the most beautiful loving giving Human Beings and Souls that I have ever encountered. I am so deeply humbled and grateful to have been, to STILL be so very BLESSED and Loved by them. I can only hope that they know how much I Love them back!
Alan, as you know by now, unfortunately never made it out of hospital. He never came home, but he WENT home, back to His Father, God, who called his child back home. Now Alan is with us in spirit, and I believe it is still his strength, him pushing us and prodding us to be strong, to carry on. It's what he would want. He would never allow us to wallow in self pity, or depression. Or even sadness, so though we feel still so hurt and devastated at the loss of such a wonderful person, he is still ever present in our lives, and always will be, as my sweet daughter Alexis pointed out so adamantly when she gave her beautiful speech at his funeral!

 Alan, Thank You for everything. For giving me so much Love, and for helping me to become the person I am today. I feel at times, that I never got to say Goodbye, but now I know that there was no need to, because you are still here with us. Thank You for being the best Grandfather to my kids, and for Loving them so deeply - they miss you terribly! Thank You for showing me how to be a respectful kind giving human, and how to pass these traits on to my own children, and every person that I meet. Thank You for showing me that all people, regardless of race or color, deserve respect and decency. That forgiveness is vital. Thank You for showing me that living a private quiet life is better then living one that is constantly busy and on the go. There is so much that I want to say, so much to Thank You for... You and Des both. But you know... all the things in my Heart and Soul. I do want to say one more thing right here, on this post, before I finish up: Thank You, Alan and Des, for giving me this opportunity to live this beautiful Life... Thank You!!!

Searching

I have seen your soul,

caught a glimpse for moments,

months

years

too long?

But in a moment – too short...

It's all gone.

I go within,

I know there is more -

YOU are more...

But I see only what is external.

And I search.

In the depths of your eyes.

To feel

To know

And I am unsatisfied what what I see, 

With what I find. 

You give, 

and then you replace with silence - and leave me feeling like 

Nothing seems enough.

For you.  

Time and moments in between are lost.

Never recovered.

And I search.

More.

For the missing pieces of the puzzle.

I now HAVE your SOUL.

I now HAVE your HEART.

But still YOU are gone...

Fleeting.

There.

Here.

Focus.

Hold on to that

gaze.

And in a rush of change –

I feel FURY

ANGER

HATRED

GOUGING EYES OUT

SMASHING HEADS AGAINST A WALL

STOP!

Stop... Please.

And I realize something...

Perhaps I should begin with me.

Search my OWN SOUL.

Complete my OWN puzzle.

Or perhaps, I should just stop

SEARCHING!

Colorful Lucid...

Time can tell,
No Tales.
memories,
               The Trickster
In the tiniest glimpse of light
When the full moon
                                plays games
with where I tread,
           A million words may have
           been the preparation,
           The warmth,
                  The touch,
The CURL of THOSE lips...
  But in this place there are no words...
But comfort;
and a gentle - slow- soft
                                       FRAGILE heart
And the story we must tell
when I close my eyes,
the colours around me -
Seem impossible,
I seem to fly, with you.
Yet grounded we are amongst these snowy peaks,
where the flames of our fire flicker and fall
and die,
            To Flicker once again - in the night.
And in the dawn;
all the LIGHT created shall be gone;
as
   You
         Change
                     Depth -
As do I:
It is your eyes I shall seek,
Your smile - Your UNDERSTANDING 
of this SOUL. 
Where ice now looms, cold and bold, all around us, as I reach out
and call your name - the echo is all that surrounds me...

You have gone, and I realise - LEAVE THIS PLACE 

for THIS is but a DREAM

Take off - FLY - 
So close to the sun where
I fall - Quick Shallow Breaths
           POUNDING HEART - a room - a BED! 
Not REAL?

It was just a Lucid Dream - OR WAS IT?
 

 

LIGHT BEARER

When the Sun goes down -
The day diminishing,
and my
           path
is no longer
                  LIT.
I cannot see my way -
My forest filling with a grey bleakness,
becomes silent - as I
Stand here alone with but a single torch of light,
small in the dark,
the flicker of it's flame -
                                       DYING - but an ember -
little HOPE.
Like so much, so MANY things we hope for...
HAVE HOPE IN.
I stand here, I wait,
how to PROCEED.
Should I lose my small flicker,
then I am lost.
Oh - but this journey through these woods -
it has been for what?
To find what? To find WHOM?
Parts of me have become ungrounded along this trek,
like a mist,
                  Swirling in all directions and uncertain.
And from the corner of my eye - I see my flame go out!
And I stand - LOST - disillusioned.
No Light Of The Moon.
Nothing to light my path,
                                        Give me HOPE.
A question crosses my mind:
If I have no light to continue on my quest,
how can I possibly give any further light to others?
What are the chances, Right here, Right now?
WHO -
            Will be MY
                             LIGHT BEARER?
And the answer comes swiftly:
                                           
                                                 No one!
And so the darkness enfolds me;
                        and I must succumb.

HOPE

The sun Shines.
The birds Sing.
My HEART beats.
My SOUL SOARS.
My LIFE AWAKENS.
A new day
                Begins...
New Hope arises.
The Pain of yesterday -
                                      Lingers still,
and
      Always will.
But less each day.
And it is realized that you
CAN move on - You MUST.
You have no choice,
for you cannot stay there.
The past does not want you.
But the gift of today DOES.
Accept, all that has been.
Understand your lessons.
FEEL that pain.
And start again.
I will be here for you.
Come snow or sleet.
Night and day.
Cry here with me.
And in the palm of my hand
I shall hold your tears.
And tomorrow there is
HOPE, for yet another
chance.
Each day - Your life begins again.
Give thanks - and know that what has been
LOST -
will in God's time,
come
               AGAIN!

DECIPHER

I have questions,

to ask.

Perhaps of you.

And perhaps of no one.

And maybe, there are no questions.

What happens in this mind of mine?

Where does it go?

Where do I wonder.

Tell me: Why am I RELEVANT?

Tell me, what is it that draws you to me?

Or is it me to you?

Do we even know?

Do I, Have I,

Made a difference?

Do I light up your sky?

There are moments, perhaps split seconds in each day, where I am lost

and INCOMPLETE.

Where there is a tear in the fabric of my existence,

and a moment later it reseals itself – as if -

there was never a void.

I know these words are complicated.

Even hard to decipher.

I doubt you could even read between the lines.

It's because this is it.

This is me.

Strange.

Complicated.

I have found.

I have LOST.

I have hated,

I have Loved,

and I do LOVE.

I have hurt.

I have BEEN hurt.

And I do STILL cry.

Because people tell me,

they have been hurt so badly that they

                                                  Choose

not to feel.

Shut down all emotion.

I would have to  

                    BEG TO DIFFER.

Who are you?

What are you?

And what will become of you, if you follow this path?

PAIN. I have suffered it.

HURT. Been integral to my life.

Everything that you have suffered,

                                               I have suffered too.

Perhaps to different degrees.

But the essential difference between us is this:

                            Take a stab at my heart.

                              Hurt me as best you can.

                                Hate me. Or love me.

                                 Laugh WITH me.

                                    Be my friend.

                                     Save my enemy.

                             Choose your path with me, 

                                 and I will take it all. 

I will accept your anger, hatred and the

pain you cause me.

I will HOLD the laughter and the love.

Because this is who I AM.

More.

I am MORE.

And so are YOU.

I WELCOME everything you throw at me.

I EMBRACE it all.

And after all is said and Done,

I hope and pray that you and I and all of us will come full circle. 

That you will finally be

                                         COMPLETE!

The Puzzle Piece

The Puzzle Piece: 13 April 2013

I am whole,

And I feel complete.

And then – there's something missing.

All thought processes slow down -

and there seems a strange distant darkness,

it's inside – I know this.

And in this gloom, I feel around, inside myself -

Inside MY SOUL.

I hear my own breath -

                                  Hear my own HEART, beating to a slow silent

                      Rhythm,

And I feel, I touch, I reach out.

But it's complete – I AM WHOLE!!

WAIT! There is something MISSING!

The darkness has changed,

light has infused,

but still in there, where I can now see,

there is but one small patch of blackness,

and a sharp light catches my eye,

as if from a small and clear jagged shard of glass,

A tiny slice of my being, broken out and fallen to the ground.

And I feel that to be complete once again – I need to reach out

and take it – Replace it.

But FEAR grips at me – small as it is;

                                       That shard will CUT ME;

                                       Slice at my skin;

                                       Slice at my SOUL -

as it has done so many times before,

               and there is no adhesive – 

no glue that might hold this one tiny bit in place.

THIS TIME: Do I leave it?

Let it lie there? Will it eventually disintegrate?

Disappear?

But it MUST!

For I will risk my soul no more;

this is a puzzle piece that I can do without -

I KNOW THIS,

but I am held back,

I hold myself back – for this LONGING!

For this

CRAVING!

And suddenly I am reminded of ALL I STILL HAVE – so much -

LOVE,

        TENDERNESS,

                             COMPASSION,

                                                  LIFE!!!

I dedicate this post to anyone who has loved and lost! And loved!! 

FLUID TRANSITION

It's been a haunting time.

A haunting distance.

With every fluid moment and movement filled

with visions...

as though blinded...

                                Spell CAST...

Upon Me... but by whom?

                                         You?

My Guides?

Speak that which you wish:

Out loud, into the world.

Leave it there.

                      Leave it to rest.

Repeat your desire often.

Call BACK that which is yours,

                                              THAT WHICH IS MINE.

I shall have nothing LESS and nothing more...

But are there more lessons for me to learn from this?

                           One planned by ME,

                         Unbeknownst to YOU?

How clever I have been.

How cunning.

How I realized my doing.

And yet, I was silent.

                                 Was I not?

But this was truly a heartfelt request,

                                                           Cunning or no.

I am encumbered with this debt

Owed.

And grateful for it with the depths of my soul.

But be Cautioned:

There are messages within messages...

Layer upon layer...

To everything I do,

Everything I have said.

And I wonder, who are we now?

Is the change great?

This TRANSITION?

Which one, amongst us hides?

Hides Secrets... Afraid to tell?

“All you have to do is ask. The RIGHT Questions.”

XXXXX